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IELTS: Strict regulations can effectively reduce the problem of overfishing by large corporations


mvettri 6 / 10 11  
Sep 1, 2014   #1
Thanks for reviewing my essay.

Overfishing of the world's oceans threatens many species with extinction and is putting the livelihood of millions of people around the world at risk. What are the causes of this

problem and what can be done to prevent it from happening?

You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

Perhaps one of the most important issues which are often ignored in this information age is the issue of overfishing and its effects. Overfishing has caused severe problems to our society in multiple ways and in this essay, I will explain these problems and some solutions to avoid this growing problem.

First of all, the prominent reason for mass fishing is the profit oriented approach of large Fishing Corporations which hardly worries about the biological imbalance caused by its actions. Such unethical approach by people with responsibility leads to considerable damage to the biological cycle, in which ocean and its living organisms play a vital part. The most significant damage done by overfishing is the danger posed to the survival of rare species. While fishing, people may not intend to catch these rare species, but naturally these rare species also get caught in the nets and face extinction. One typical example is the drastic decline in the number of a specific type of jelly fish, called sea jelly, facing extinction.

Before these problems reach extreme levels, it is our moral responsibility to identify solutions for this menace. One way to control this would be to put strict environmental regulations, and more importantly, implementing them and monitoring our oceans and fishing done by multinational organizations. This, will, in turn, curb the problems of overfishing to a major extent. Furthermore, this issue should be brought to light by the government agencies and due awareness should be raised by the media to educate the society of this problem. Additionally, impact on ecosystem should be estimated and a remedy plan should be created to the ailing rare species facing extinction.

In conclusion, strict regulations can effectively reduce the problem of overfishing by large corporations, as well as raising the awareness puts ethical pressure on these entities to adhere to the guidelines. I think these measures would effectively stop mass fishing, paralleled by the advantage of saving the species which are facing extinction.

Thanks a lot for your comments.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Sep 1, 2014   #2
For starters, your introductory paragraph is too short. You need at least 3 -5 sentences in each paragraph for it to be acceptable in an essay. Name some of the problems caused by over fishing and what the simple effects of the act are to expand the paragraph.

Now for the grammatical concerns:

Fishing Corporations

- use lower case for words that are not actual names or acronyms.

in which ocean and its living organisms play a vital part.

- in which the ocean...

called sea jelly, facing extinction.

- which is now facing ...

put strict environmental regulations,

- regulations regarding overfishing ...

Additionally, impact on ecosystem

- ... the impact on the ecosystem...

a remedy plan should be created to the ailing rare species facing extinction.

- created to aid the ailing...

large corporations, as well as raising the awareness

Finally, I want to commend you on a well developed essay. This is one prompt that did not go unanswered. In fact, your essay is quite impressive as you obviously have a familiarity with the problem and the probably solutions to it. Aside from the grammatical problems, there is nothing about this essay that will get it a failing mark content wise. This would have a high grade if submitted for actual grade :-)
nguoi_co_doc 7 / 16 10  
Sep 1, 2014   #3
Perhaps one of the most important issues which are often ignored in this information age is the issue of overfishing and its effects. Overfishing has caused severe problems to our society in multiple ways and in this essay, I will explain these problems and (give) some solutions to avoid this growing problem

However, this introduction is quite short. I think it will be better if you develop the idea such as: The increasing in the needs of people----> overfishing---->dire consequences----->give solutions.

Body Part
First of all, the prominent reason for mass fishing is the profit oriented approach of large Fishing Corporations which hardly worries about the biological imbalance caused by its actions.

Your thesis statement is too complicated. I think that the first sentence is really important, because it make reader understand your idea. So, it shouldn't be too complex.

While fishing, people may not intend to catch these rare species, but naturally these rare species also get caught in the nets and face extinction --->think about the using an unscientific methods----> using your sentence as an example.

You also need to you some "conection words" in this part.

For the problem, I can write in the way: First reason (profit)--->support. second reason (apply unscientific methods)---->support

Generally, your vocabulary is very good.But I think you need to improve the way to start and develop your idea.
Nice day :))
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Sep 1, 2014   #4
Overfishing has caused severe problems to our society in multiple ways and in this essay, I will explain these problems and some solutions to avoid this growing problem.

... Well, I think you could present the latter part in a more creative way. This sounds a bit too stereotype.

Before these problems reach extreme levels, it is our moral responsibility to identify solutions for this menace.

.... something like this would be ideal .... Introduction is very important for you to impress your reader about your writing skills :)

Such unethical approach by people with responsibility leads to considerable damage to the biological cycleecological balance( or balance in the ecosystem), in which ocean and its living organisms play a vital part.

You have excellent writing skills. I think you are ready for this task already :D


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