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SAT Essay : Strive to better themselves or accept who they are and what they have ?


hvnguyen1311 4 / 8  
Apr 25, 2012   #1
Please help me to grade (over 12) and correct my essay. Your help will be highly appreciated ! Thanks a lot !

Assignment:
Is it best for people to accept who they are and what they have, or should people always strive to better themselves? Plan and
write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken
from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

People need to strive for a better life. A life will be meaningless if no one
strives harshly to prove that it is worth living in his life. History also shows that a
man who is always not satisfied with what he possessed often tends to be an
influential man. This type of people probably flabbergasts others by spectacular
actions.

No one in this world can acquire perfection. Everybody always has pros
and cons. Otherwise, the primary difference between the winners and the losers
is just the way of perceiving their advantages as well as their disadvantages.
The winners see their success as a motivation and their failure as a lesson.
Thereafter, both of them can apparently enhance the winners to greater steps of
success. On the other hand, the losers are truly egotistic with all their
achievements and somehow find the ways hide their losses as stealthy as
possible.

Japan can be a bright symbol for everyone to emulate. After WWII, this
country was overwhelmed by their burdensome debts, the tumbledown facilities
and the malnutrition of people. At that moment, they had nothing, not even the
natural resources. They quickly accepted their failures in WWII, stood out and
started from scratch. They do endeavour to develop their universalized
education, consolidate their diplomat relationship to alternative countries and
build up their crucial industries. By the wills and determines, Japan has become
a redoubtable rival in Asia, where has a strong financial market as well as
modernized technology. With their capabilities and unceasing efforts, Japan is
inevitably believed to go further in the near future.

Despite imponderable abilities of humans, people should understand
where they are standing! Hitler, a disputable character, would not have
committed suicide in an ignominious circumstance if he had known his
limitations. He had an exemplary potential in military and also thought that he
had an "unbeaten" army with a heap of simply successes. His self-confidences
indeed killed him. His army lost comprehensively in Russia and this battle forced
him and his alliances to lose all the war.

The more you are striving now, the better you will get in the future. The
development of human beings is mainly the development of the society. People
should impulse themselves to overcome new obstacles in lieu of allowing
themselves to stop and be satisfied. However, they should sometimes accept
themselves to avoid unnecessary losses.

EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
Apr 26, 2012   #2
I believe that constantly, People need to strive for a better life. A life will be meaningless if no one
strives harshly to prove that it is worth living in his life . History also shows that a
man who is always not satisfied with what he possesses and keeps trying to rise often tends to be an
influential man. This type of people probably flabbergasts others by spectacular
actions.

Second paragraph is superb.
...They quickly accepted their failures in WWII, stood up and
started from scratch. They do endeavourcontinue to develop their universalized
education, consolidate their diplomatic relationship to alternative countries...
...His over-confidence
indeed killed him.
Good job, just clarify your closing statement a bit. :)
OP hvnguyen1311 4 / 8  
Apr 27, 2012   #3
Thank you so much for your benevolent corrections !
kimuratakuya 10 / 32  
Apr 29, 2012   #4
Thank you for your opinion about my essay. You are right that my crucial proplem is that I do not develop a clear idea due to my incomprehension of the topic.

I want to help you. In my opinion, it is really important to make every woed or sentence useful, in other words, every sentence should serve to illustrate your idea. However, you essay do not do this so well. First, it is because you use some irrelevant analysis. You have given the opinion that people should strive to better themselves.Why?It is because doing so can yield good results. Thus, you should try to prove people can benefit from striving to betterthemselves, which means your second paragraph is irrelevant. Then ,you usually use analysis to prove your idea, but analysis is not as strong as evidence.

PS: In the essay you have read, i strive to give critical thinking, but that time, i do not understand it and confuse the critical thinknig with unclear argument. Now, after i read the OG sample essay, i can understand the critical thinking better, which means that things vary in different circumstance. You can also try it. For example, in some cases people should strive to better themselves while in others they should not.

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