Hello everyone,
I'm a newbie and going to take the TOELF iBT in next few months. Here I have a topic which is "Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed ". Personally I took this topic not easy. It took me nearly 1 hour to think up a decent explanation :( I know that's too bad. Moreover, I'm even not sure whether this explanation makes a strong sense. Please give me your opinion about my essay. Thank you so much :)
Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed.
"Until today, among the explosion of multi-media advertising tools, television advertising has seemed to be the most efficient one with cheap cost and viral effect. It has massive audiences; with a TV everyone can watch any programs in anywhere and at anytime they like, which means a chance for the ads' makers to spread their message by inserting it intentionally between those programs. However, not all people are well-equipped to comprehend their messages appropriately; some, especially little children, might easily mistake those messages, causing some worst effects. Here I would point out those adversaries.
To begin with, since young children, especially those who aged 2 to 5, lack the ability to perceive the difference between a commercial and a program, they are prone to accept whatever included in the repetitive child-oriented ads. This precarious behavior might incur in them a tendency toward what they like, with little consideration whether it is good or harmful to their health. For example, a massive exposure to a cereals' ads might result in a cancelation of other better nutrient food at a very young age, which becomes an indelible habit when the child grows up. Thus, without a tight restriction on those repetitive ads, we will have a young generation with little right choices benefiting for their health.
Moreover, TV ads makers are showing their greed by deliberately using some iconic characters, such as Spider Man or Superman, to trigger a voracious demands of a kids. In their ads, for example, the Spider man would say what he will buy and use to become brave and cool. The mentioned products, as we, adults, would say, have little effect on bringing along some "cool" factors since they are normally what we eat and drink and wear every day, however, they are super "cool" in a child's mind. Thus, being allowed using ads like this means that the ads maker is granted a considerable leverage: whenever he wants to persuade to child to try something, he brings it to the icon! This phenomenon, for that reason, can inflame a considerable amount of unreasonable requests from the kid to his parents, and might put his parents under pressure to make a decision toward his favor, since if they don't do so, they might have serious conflicts with him.
To sum up, I strongly oppose to the use of TV ads on young children. Moreover, parents play a very important part on deciding which is good for their children. They should act as a barrier protecting their children from seduced images and context. With better care and guiding, I believe that we can cultivate a more healthy young generation."
Phuong, your first line of reason about a balanced meal is flawed. 2-5 year old children do not have any idea what "a balanced meal" is or what it means. They don't care about the words in advertising. They only pay attention to the images onscreen. The actions taking place on screen and "child directed" dialogue are what they remember and what influences their early lifestyle choices. I suggest that you revise the first reason to reflect these reasons which will tie in directly, and offer a transition statement into your second line of reasoning which is spot on for the discussion. By the way, you are not allowed to pose a question in any type of essay without placing your response to it after. You will need to delete that question since you don't answer it within the essay.
By the way, you need to practice timed writing so never take more than 30 minutes to complete the research, draft, and final version of the essay. I know it is hard to do because you are not a native English speaker. That is why you should read more English materials relating to current events and pop culture during your free time. It will be a plus to already have a little familiarity with the possible essay topics that you may have to deal with during the practice tests. It will offer you a better chance at presenting a more polished and informative TOEFL essay during the actual test.
Thanks so much for your feedback Louisa :)
Maybe I'll do what you said, that is to read more current events, and some studies as well. Please tell me what you think about this revise^^
This version is definitely better than the last. The addition that you made to the paragraphs really work even though there are some grammar issues to address. There is just a problem with the way that you present your opinion in the essay. As you know, the essay writing rules dictate that you cannot use the conclusion to present new ideas in the essay. In this case, you presented your point of view as a part of the conclusion instead of as a stand alone paragraph. You need to revise that and develop your opinion further in order to properly prove your opposition to the targeting of children in TV ads. After you clearly present that part, you can finally conclude the essay with a summary of the prompt, discussion points, and your opinion.
