Unanswered [16] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

My struggle with my dad on a day from coming from school going home


Generous 1 / -  
Dec 4, 2012   #1
It was a Friday afternoon , I was coming home from school. So, I get home and I see my dad drinking like he always does. I totally didnt know it was his birthday, until later when everything had just happened. Im coming from running with my brother, he goes to the room and I go to the kitchen to make me a salad. So, I see my mom making food already and she tells me, ¨from where are you coming from?¨ I answer her, from running. So, she says okay. Minutes later pass and my dad tells my mom if the food was almost ready because he was hungry. My mom tells my dad well Im barely getting home from work. While Im doing my salad with tomatoes, lettuce, and pickles. Suddenly out of a sudden my dad starts telling me all this rude stuff and tries to make me feel bad which he actually does, but anyway the whole point of this is that he had kicked me out of the house and its not the first time he kicks me out. Its being other days that this happens. So, my dad and I started to argue my mom was so intertaining cooking that she didnt know what was going on until my brother and I had left the house. I didnt know exactly what had just happened. I had told my brother to stay because he wasnt the one that had gotten kicked out of the house. He had told me Im not going to let you go by yourself this late, it was already 11:00 pm. I was just crying and taking out everything that I had inside me on my brother. I had told him so many things and I had hit him in the face, after I had calm myself and told him that I was sorry and that I loved him so much. He also told me that he loved me but, I kept telling him that I was sorry for hitting him, so I guess that he was trying to make me feel better that he told me it didnt hurt me at all, hit like a girl, I laughed and responded him I am a girl. So, we walked and walked and walked until I had told my brother I know where we can stay for today. So, I went to a friends house and told her if my brother and I could stay, she said yes. So, it was already another day, before I left from my friends house I told her thank you. I told my brother to go home and he told me that why I wasnt going back home with him, I answer him because I was tired of my dad already him kicking me out and judging me. He also told me where would I stay I had told him to not worry that I would be staying in a safe place. Before I had gotten the bus he gave me a kiss and told me to be safe and be careful, I told him I will. I had also told him to tell mom to not worry because I would be okay and that Im not going back home. So, I got in the bus, I was just thinking what I would be doing with myself and how I would be going to school. I was just going back and telling myself so many questions. I had tears on my eyes and a headache of so much crying and thinking that I just wish that I could of gone back. Life has being rough with me and I dont know why. The only thing I had in mind was that where would I be sleeping today, until I went to another friends house and I told her if I could talk to her parents, she said yes. So, I talked to her parents and her. Her parents had told me that it was fine me staying there. So, I was thankful to them for letting me stay for tonight. I wake up and I know its another day, I go to another friends house and she tells me that it was along time me not going to her house to go visit her. I told her because I had being busy. So, we start talking and she tells me that something was wrong with me I start crying and tell her that my dad had kicked me out of the house. And she told me that she would help me out. So, we started talking and she told me if I knew about the Social Services and I told her that I didnt know what was that. So, she told me what it was about, and the next day she and her husband took me to my house to get some clothes and all my documents. So, when I went inside I seen my brother and told me that where I was staying I had told him with a friend. And so he told me that he was going to tell mom that I had gone. Once I was living he told me if I was staying with a guy, I told him no that, that was my friends husband. A week has pass by and I already had the help of the Government. I would go to school once in a while and sometimes late also. But, once I was kinda settle I went to go visit my mom and she had told me that why I didnt go back the next day, I told her because I didnt want my dad to say that I wouldnt be able to handle mysef, to be by myself, I want to prove him that I dont need him, that I could move on, on my own. But, deep down I couldnt do it on my own. Once I found a place to stay I told my friend that I was also thankful for everything for what she had done for me. She told me that where I was moving too. I told her and she told me to not live that she would be able to help me out. But, I told her I also need my space. So, she understood and told me to keep in touch with her, I told her dont worry I will. So, I move in to my new house and I feel like I had forgotten the half of me. But, that was my mom who I need it for her to be by my side, because I was going through a lot right now. I didnt have no one but, me. I didnt know what to do anymore, I would miss school and not go for days because I would get lazy... And now am looking back for some feed back on my essay.

linting2012 10 / 78 18  
Dec 4, 2012   #2
May I ask, what is the Prompt?
college134nj - / 44 7  
Dec 5, 2012   #3
touching story... maybe make some grammatical edits. btw, older brother or younger brother? out of curiosity?
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Dec 5, 2012   #4
[

May I ask, what is the Prompt?

Yes... I guess it helps a lot for good feedbacks : )
So, I getgot home and I see my dad drinking like he always does

Minutes later pass and my dad tells my mom if the food was almost ready because he was hungry. My mom tells my dad well Im barely getting home from work. While Im doing my salad with tomatoes, lettuce, and pickles. Suddenly out of a sudden my dad starts telling me all this rude stuff and tries to make me feel bad which he actually does, but anyway the whole point of this is that he had kicked me out of the house and its not the first time he kicks me out.

I think you better maintain one tense, preferably past tense, throughout your essay... Otherwise it disturbs the flow... Seems an interesting story.... why not post us the prompt ?
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Dec 5, 2012   #5
It's a very touching story.
Here are my suggestions.

So, I get home and I see my dad drinking like he always does.

When i got home, I saw my dad drinking as usually.

I totally didn' t know it was his birthday

totally?? I don't think this is a speech. But I can't be sure because there is no prompt.

Anyway you have mixed up the tenses here and there. I think writing everything in the past tense would be the best way to do this essay. :)


Home / Writing Feedback / My struggle with my dad on a day from coming from school going home