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IELTS essay: Student behavior in schools, causes and solutions


amirameri83 1 / 1  
Mar 18, 2012   #1
complaining about students' reactions in school environment becomes a critical point which many people are concerned about. School managers mention the steady growth of these trend will damage the education system. I believe that you can find the roots of this disorganization in our educational environments and non-qualified teachers.

It is strongly proved that atmosphere has a significant effects on human reactions. our rough class situations, bad air conditioner system, inadequate space for playing, locating schools in crowded part of cities, too much student accumulation in small area and so on are some examples that planners have told about as effective points on students behavior. Since students are young and fresh need to release their energy in an active environment. Governments should modify the schools situations and allocate more subsidies to school managers to reorganize the facilities and space and also change the shape of our educational area from an office to a calm place for our students.

the other effective point is in fact most of our teachers and school managers are not experted persons, especially psychology field. Statistics show that just three out of twenty five teachers in my country have passed mental related courses and are familiar with some basic needs of students and youngsters. The results attributed to our school managers is worst by just three persons out of a hundred which indicates that there is a strong demand for using of psychologists and educational consultants to plan a appropriate program.

(250 words)
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Mar 18, 2012   #2
Hi, I can help with your paper.

complaining about students' reactions in school environment becomes a critical point which many people are concerned about.
You could say: Many students complain about the disorganized environment of their schools, causing concern among professionals.

School managers mention the steady growth of these trend will damage the education system.
At this point in your essay, this statement doesn't "fit". You refer to upward trend- of what?? Be more specific about your topic, then explain your reasons for this argument.

It is strongly proved that atmosphere has a significant effects on human reactions. our rough class situations, bad air conditioner system, inadequate space for playing, locating schools in crowded part of cities, too much student accumulation in small area and so on are some examples that planners have told about as effective points on students behavior.

You have some good points, but this sentence is far too long, simplify by splitting these ideas into shorter sentences. It will make your paper easier to read.

Governments should modify the schools situations and allocate more subsidies to school managers to reorganize the facilities and space and also change the shape of our educational area from an office to a calm place for our students.

You need to add this notion to the end of your essay instead of it being in the middle. Re-structure your paper to make it clearer: intro, thesis, support your thesis, reasons for your argument, solution, conclusion. Your paper definitely needs more work, but you are on the right track, good luck :)
OP amirameri83 1 / 1  
Mar 19, 2012   #3
Jennyflower81

HI JENNY
THANKS FOR YOUR TIME AND CONCENTRATION. ABOUT THE LAST POINT THAT YOU MENTIONED, I TRY TO TALK ABOUT THE PROBLEM AND QUICKLY SHOW THE SOLUTION ON THE SAME PARAGRAPH. IS IT CORRECT? OR IT WILL BRING A NEGATIVE POINT IN TASK RESPONSE?

MY STRUCTURE IS LIKE THIS:

INTRO: BACKGROUND, BLUEPRINTS, MY OPINION
PARAGRAPH 1: 1ST BLUEPRINT , CAUSE, RELATED SOLUTION
PARAGRAPH 2: 2ND BLUEPRINT , CAUSE, RELATED SOLUTION
CONCLUSION
AGAIN THANKS FOR YOUR ATTENTION.


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