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'UK student income during ten-year period' - IELTS table


chinhbk 1 / 1  
Jun 21, 2012   #1
Hi everybody, I have just started learning IELTS writing,please help me proofread this essay.
-->reference:a file attached below

The table shows the trend which took place in student income during ten-year period from 1988 to 1998 in United Kingdom.

Although the data of student loan was not available in 1988/99, it increased dramatically from 8% in 1992/93 to 24% in 1998/99.The percentage of earnings also rose sharply from 6% in 1988/89 and reached a peak at 14% in 1995/96, after that fell slightly by 2% in 1998/99.

On the other hand, there was a steadily decrease in parental contribution from 32% in 1988/89 to 16% in 1998/99.At the same time, the grant went down by 24% from 38% in 1988/89 to 14% in 1998/99.

Overall, the income per student rose gradually from 4,395% pounds in 1988/89 to 5,575% pounds in 1998/99 and the students became more independent at the period.



ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 21, 2012   #2
Hi,
U should write at least 150 words in the IELTS writing task one. Your essay consists of only 132 words.

The table shows the trend which took place in student income(the table gives information about students' source of income, but you pointed out another thing!!!. concentrate on the topic and the data) during ten-year period from 1988 to 1998 in United Kingdom (in the introduction you should mention the general trend. . (in the introduction you did not state the age of students. You should add it. )

U can write the intorduction in this way. :"The table provides data regarding to the percentage of income that below 26-year students could obtain from four different resources in the UK during 1988 to1998. In general, as time passed, "Student loan" could change into the most important earning source for students over the studied years. )

Although the data of student loan was not available in 1988/99, it dramatically increased from 8% in 1992/93 to 24% in 1998/99.The percentage of earnings also sharply rose from 6% in 1988/89 and reached a peak at 14% in 1995/96, after that slight fell slightly by 2% in 1998/99 ( i could not find this falling in the table ???) .

On the other hand, there was a steadilysteady (adj. + noun) decrease in parental contribution from 32% in 1988/89 to 16% in 1998/99Use different ways for expressing the data. For example:"...in paternal contribution which was 32% and 16% in the years of 1988 and 1999, respectively", or you can write :" about 18% reduction in Parental contribution occurred through 1988 to 1999") .At the same time, the grant went down by 24% from 38% in 1988/89 to 14% in 1998/99.(as I told you above, u should use different ways for reporting results.)

(How about other sources???U did not cover all results provided in the table. U should compare the data and different resources. Without comparing u cannot get a good mark. )

Overall, the income per student rose gradually from 4,395% pounds in 1988/89 to 5,575% pounds in 1998/99 and the students became more independent at the period.
OP chinhbk 1 / 1  
Jun 21, 2012   #3
Hi ah_zafari
Thank you for correcting my mistakes.I really appreciate it.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 21, 2012   #4
You're very welcome. You recommend you to rewrite this work and put it here again. By the way, pleas feel free call me Ahmad :)
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 22, 2012   #5
You recommend

The first "you" in this sentence was a typo error :DD. I am sorry :)). I wanted to write :"I recommend .."


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