hope you guys help to fix my essay so that it's more persuasive!
Polistics is always a number one matter in a country. To prepare for war posibility
in advance, going to the army course is compulsive in some countries, for example,
Korea, China, Japan, etc. Therefore, suppose that our government forces students enter the military course within 12 months after graduation, I'm totally in agreement.
The military preparation college's purpose is to train qualitied people with the soul of soldiers. Indeed, the military area is a place in which every activity is performed in discipline, so no one is an exception. Therefore, whether you are a chief general's son, or president's daughter, you fairly receive the discipline or purnishment if you have done something wrong. Moreover, when coming to the army camp, students have a big chance to execute a great sense of self-consciousness due to some strict rules, for instance, getting up early, doing exercise, folding sleeping kit, washing clothes and so on, and specially these steps have to be done on time. In general, the military preparation reshapes better generations before releasing them into real life so that they are able to be qualified citizens for our society.
Young people in general, and students in particular, need to be aware of the right way to reach. Indeed, in the modern age, people easily receive a lot of bad information, or wrong conception, appeal of reaction, which affect badly our fragile thinking. Therefore, young people need a strong education to help avoid loosing their own perception. Once, entering the army camp trainees are taught philosophy, whose effect is greatly important in helping human regconize the right direction of the country. Moreover, there, along with good examples of national heroics in war partly open their mind, and guide them to the beautiful ideal in live. After a short time, students will define exactly polistics condition in the country so that they know what they should develop and defend to against the enermies.
In contrast, it's assumed that going to the army camp costs time but no efficiency. Obviously, instead spending 12 months on training, young people can approach new jobs immediately and enjoy exploring challenges in real world. However, our society needs qualified people, who not only work well but also being moral. Actually, not any places can perform the spirit of teamwork as highly as in the military environment. During 12 months living together, trainees learn how to share difficulties, or give help whenever their comrades need. in other words, young people are taught how to live for community, not just for individual purposes. Therefore, sacrificing 12 months to shape up human personality definitely deserves.
In general, I agree with the military course after students graduate. And I hope the government could legislate on the army course in order that our polistics can develop strongly!
hope to see your feedback soon ! thanks in advance!
I would recommend using more specific reasons or examples. How does it specifically work in Korea, China, Japan, etc.? Also, what specific values or lessons will students learn, respect for country, self discipline and how do you use them in your everyday life as an adult. I also noticed that your essay is quite informal. I would suggest removing words such as 'totally' and adding more facts.
some grammar suggestions:
Politics is always a number one matter in a country.
"Moreover, when coming to the army camp, students have a big chance to execute a great sense of self-consciousness due to some strict rules, for instance, getting up early, doing exercise, folding sleeping kit, washing clothes and so on, and specially these steps have to be done on time." This is a run on sentence. Consider making two sentences.
'In general, I agree with the military course after students graduate.And I hope the government could legislate on the army course in order that our politics can develop strongly! consider adding an additional reason or sentence.
Politics is always a number one matter in a country. To prepare for war posibility in advance, going to the army course is compulsive in some countries. In Korea, for example, when men get 20 years old, they must serve this duty, otherwise they will get many disadvantages in social life. Therefore, suppose that our government forces students enter the military course within 12 months after graduation, I'm totally in agreement.
I rewrite the introduction! hope to your feedback again!
