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Students leave high school without learning the way how to manage their money. What are the reasons?


quynhvan 1 / -  
Nov 23, 2017   #1
hi, could you please help me this essay. Please give me feedback about the grammar, ideas and all things

schools should teach how to deal with money



Topic:
Students leave high school without learning the way how to manage their money. What are the reasons and solution to this issue?

my essay:
Nowadays, many students graduate from high schools but they are lacking personal finances management knowledge. This dearth stems from misconceptions of parents, schools and the overloaded curriculum, but I think there will be many feasible measures are available to address this issues.

The first reason of this issue is: Perhaps students' parents think of their children haven't enough ability to earn money and their children haven't owned money so it isn't necessary to teach them the way to manage money.

The second reason is: In high school, there are many educational programs, so one more course is overloaded on students. And perhaps they think academics sessions are more valuable than a spending and saving money course.

So to resolve this issues then the first best way is the school should have a class to teach students how to manage money and finance skills

The second best way is parents should give their children a budget and teach them how to manage their money. ex: giving them a budget and request them to plan an event or a small trip or buying a new stuff in that budget.

Finally, families and schools should combine together to get an agreement should or not add more a finance management class to the education program for students.

P/S: hopeful someone helps me fix this essay and give me more advice and ideas
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,837 4174  
Nov 23, 2017   #2
Van, your opening paraphrase has a good topic sentence. The rest of the presentation in that paragraph is not the type of presentation that is expected of this paragraph though. What you did wrong was that you wrote only 2 sentences when you should have written at least 3 sentences for it. Here a sample of the content that this paragraph should have:

These days, students find themselves graduating from high school having learned very little to nothing about how to handle their finances. This essay will discuss a possible cause for this situation. In the end, I will also propose a possible solution to the problem.

Using the 3 sentence approach, you should be able to present, based upon the above example, the following:
1. Discussion topic - Students leave high school
2. Discussion reason - without learning the way how to manage their money.
3. Discussion instruction - What are the reasons and solution to this issue?

Using the above template, you should be able to maximize your TA scoring potential. That is, provided that you already know how to identify the required sentence representations in your paraphrased paragraph.

Now, this essay should only be composed of 5 interconnected paragraphs. It interconnects via transition sentences at the end of a paragraph. What you wrote are 6 stand alone sentence representations. That is not to be confused with a paragraph. The paragraph is meant to be composed of 5 sentences per paragraph. The paragraph number cannot exceed 5. So the ratio is 5:5. Remember that as the basic paragraph formula.

The body needs to represent 3 paragraphs containing the following representations:
1. Reason
2. Example
3. Proposed solution

After that, you can represent the summarized discussion in the concluding paragraph. Summarize the following in order to create a proper conclusion:
1. Discussion topic
2. Reason provided
3. Proposed solution

Based on the given discussion outline, what I have given you is the most applicable format for writing this type of essay. You have to remember that different discussion instructions require different approaches. You will need to familiarize yourself with each discussion instruction in order to learn how to properly discuss each one. You will not want for examples of those in this forum. I propose that you review them and learn what you can from them.
sfiza 17 / 28  
Nov 23, 2017   #3
Dear@quynhvan,

I have read your essay, I think you need follow the structure of essay for writing otherwise your writing will get poor score in criteria. you can read first some essay then you come to know the structure, sentence structure, how to address the prompt.

hope it help you
keep writing :)


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