I prepare for writing essay test at school. This essay requires at least 400 words so I choose IELTS topic to practice.
Please give me some advice for my essay, good word or sentences. thank a lot.
Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
A job became an important role in the life of each people, it is true that no one can live without a job. When teenagers finish school, they face the dilemma of whether to get a job or continue their education .Many people think that studying at university or college will make them successful career while others think that there are some benefits to getting a job straight after school. In my opinion,I would agree that it is better to go to college or university.
To begin with, there are some benefits to start work straight after school is attractive for several reasons. Many young people want to earn money as soon as possible. In this way, they will become independent and not depend on their parents. In addition, they will have chance to gain real experiences in the life, pratical skills and learn skills to get promotions. This way will make them settle down earlier, afford a house or have a family.
On the other hand, I believe that it is more beneficial for students to continue their studies. Academic qualifications are required in many professions. For example, police, doctor or teacher require somebody gain knowledge, more experiences and especially relevant degree so that they need to continue to study more. Moreover, derive benefit from higher education will make them get better job opportunities. The most striking feature of this problem is the job market is very competitive and some company required employee must have qualification. Young people who not graduate at college or university will not have more chance to find jobs with higher salaries.
From these arguments, one must conclude that students are more likely to be successful in their life if they continue their studies beyond school level.
In my opinion, your idea discussion id quite good, however, I have some feedback:
1/ Your opening paragraph and closing paragraph are a sharp contrast. One is long and contains a few sentences that are not needed (Paragraph 1), which confuses reader because they hardly catch your view. And your conclusion is just 1 sentence that is not strong enough to convince people.
2/ Regardless of the prompt, you have to discuss both view and state your opinion. Your argument is just for one point of view and debate for it.
@HanNguyen0510 Thank you so much your advice. conclusion i dont have more idea so that i just write 1 sentence :(
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,529 3444
Jerry, since you are preparing for a general writing test in school. I do not suggest that you use IELTS topics for practice. That is because the IELTS test requires a different writing format from an ordinary essay test. The more appropriate prompts to use in your case would be TOEFL prompts instead because those do not have the same stringent requirements as the IELTS test does. It will be unfair to review your work based on review mechanisms not suited for the exam you will be taking. You can actually use any ordinary classroom essay prompt available online for your practice. Don't use IELTS prompts because it will be difficult for you to attain the requirements. Specially when you do not really need to meet such stringent writing requirements for your test.
Based on the discussion instructions you were given, you did not discuss both points of view plus your opinion. Thus, in an actual IELTS test, this may not receive a passing score based on several other problems in your essay. However, for an ordinary essay writing test in English, your mistakes might be overlooked and your score may be a good one because your thoughts were clear in the essay. That is why I do not want you to practice using the IELTS prompts. It will be difficult to consider your essay writing requirements when the test prompt you are using has specific requirements that are highly different from your simple writing assessment needs.
In general, your ideas is quite good. But I have a feedback for you:
you should be careful about pronunciation such as a, an, the and plural.