Some people think that students who don't take a break in studies between the high school and the university are at disadvantage compared to students who travel and work after high school before further continuing their education. Do you agree or disagree ?
Today's competitive world, higher education or Degree doesn't contribute enough to find a demanding career with good benefits. The years of experience and Soft-skills play a crucial role to be an eligible candidate for a stunning job opportunity .Having said that I agree that students who a break between the high school and universities are at disadvantage compared to student travel and work after their high school and before universities.
Firstly I believed that travelling to another country not only helps to explore the other communities culture and relax your mind from your daily routine of life but also it provokes to develop human's some social skills such as self esteem ,communication ,decision making, cope up with struggles and acceptance of adventure and thrill .These qualities help you to find a very good job offer swiftly and assist to align your future in the right track. In contract, Students who persuade higher studies without a break unlikely to get a enough chance to orientate them to above skills .
These days almost all employers are seeking for a candidate , who has a prior working experience , So when you work before your higher education,it might ease your job hunting process , On the other hand students who don't work before their higher education might feel gloomy in terms of chances to achieve their preferred Jobs. Moreover Working is not only going to add experience in your resume but it also helps to earn some employer contacts which might positively influence you on your job seeking phase.
In Summary ,Students who travel and work gain more experience and skills which are needed for their future and employment compare with student who has only theoretical knowledge ,and these additional advantages help them to reach their goals easily.
I can help you to improve your writing skills. Sometimes you need to have more consistent word choice. Your organization seems pretty good. However, I noticed a run-on sentence because you were trying to say too much. I have suggested changes by paragraph and sentence.
1st paragraph: When you begin your essay, start with the word, "In". I think you should choose the word higher education or degree, not both. For example, if you choose higher education, this would mean that an individual could go to college but may not obtain a degree. On the other hand, if you choose the word degree, your whole essay would refer to those who have studied, achieved their goal, but still face hardships.
Soft-skills should be written as soft skills. I would change this sentence and start with, "Years". Also, you should change the word stunning to great or exciting job opportunity.
Having said that I agree that students who a break between the high school and universities are at disadvantage compared to student travel and work after their high school and before universities.
This last sentence was confusing. Is this statement going to be your opinion in this essay,
Therefore, I agree that students who have a break after completing high school are at a disadvantage compared to students who travel and work before attending a university.
2nd paragraph: Watch you tense! Place a comma after Firstly (or First). Believed is in the past tense and should be changed to believe. This is a run-on sentence. There is too much information. You can end this sentence with the word "life". I would suggest revising this sentence by using students.
Ex: First, I believe that when students travel to another country they are able to explore different historic landmarks, be exposed to local culture, and engage in activities that are outside their normal routine.
I want you to read this example above, so you can see how using the word students, helps you to form a student that is more clear to the reader. You explain this really well. Keep the details in your sentence and you can use my sentence as your guide.
I am going to help you with the rest. Please look for my next post.
I hope that my suggestions will be useful to you. I have added some more suggestions that will help you as you continue to develop your writing skills.
3rd paragraph: You can use less specific terms. You can use "some" in place of almost all. You can change this sentence to: "seeking
for a candidate who has... This next sentence is good, but you need to explain it better. Ex:
"So when students work before they obtain higher education, it might ease their job hunting process." (If you don't explain this by using students, your essay is not as strong as it could be.)
Please make sure to place commas after transition words such as: On the other hand and Moreover. Also, the word after the transition word in this paragraph should be lowercase (i.e. working).
Jobs should be lowercase. Change the last sentence from experience in to "experience on a students resume,".
I really like the way you end this sentence, but I am going to make a suggestion. You could say references instead of contacts because it is common for other employers to ask for employer references. You also need to replace you and your, with "students".
4th paragraph: Summary and students should not be capitalized. This is a run on sentence at the end. There are only grammar changes that need work.
"... compared with student who have only theoretical knowledge."
Begin the next sentence with, "These additional..."
I think you forgot to add in your summary about the social skills they gain from traveling.
i have one suggestion for you
Do not use contractions . the use contraction reflects lack of formality and decreased word count.
one can't associate.... (wrong)
one can not associate.... (correct)