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TOEFL-Students should not take part-time jobs when they study in university?


Aug 4, 2011   #1
Hello guys,
I am practicing my TOEFL writing. I am always not good at writing part. So, I have lots of trouble when I wrote this essay. Please feel free to comment and correct my essay or grammar. Tell me how's the article structure is okay or stray from the main subject,please. Thank you so much. :)

Topic:Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students should not take part-time jobs when they study in university?

Essay:
As the old saying " what you sow is what you reap." Nowadays, a large number of school students are couch potato. They do not take part-time jobs and responsibility for their studying. On the other hand, the students of university have part-time jobs will bring the differences from their harvest. Taking part-time jobs have its significant role in today's university students' life.

First, taking a part-time job is conducive to promoting the background knowledge of market and social relationship. The students who have part-time in university period. They are good at use the working chances to observe the market-moving events and compare what they have learned in school and workplace, then strengthen their insufficient part. In the meantime, they also associate with all sorts of people in the work. After graduation, they own a lot of resources which are the skills and experiences and interpersonal relationship of market. These advantages are their property for future career.

Taking part-time jobs also provide opportunities for more students to devote themselves into a position where they can put their professional skills into practice. Having a part-time job students who grab any opportunities to show their specialty. For example, the major in English students who will try to find the job is relate to their subject. So, they can use the techniques which are learned from school's teachers and examine the result of themselves. However, they will have more independent thinking ability and the experiences of practice.

In short, the students should have part-time jobs in university period because after graduation they already win at the starting point. These students will have wide vision and thinking about what they want to be in the future. Also, they will be able to exchange views with others whose experiences have exposed to the work of different fields. Not only the students gain experiences but they will also learn to spend their precious time wisely.

Aug 4, 2011   #2
As the old saying " what you sow is what you reap."

I think it's stupid to start with an old saying, just my opinion.

couch potatoes

The students who have part-time in university period.

This sentence is not finished.

They are good at using the working

Having a part-time job, students couldwho grab any opportunities to show their specialty.

For example, the major in English students who will try to find the job is relate to their subject. So, they can use the techniques which are learned from school's teachers and examine the result of themselves. However, they will have more independent thinking ability and the experiences of practice.

this example sounds irrelevant, you are talking about the merits of taking part-time job, but it has nothing to do with knowledge learned from the class.

In short,

But the following is not quite short, though :)
Aug 4, 2011   #3
Thanks for your correction.
I will revise my essay again.
Writing always is my weakness part, I will do more writing practice untill I can totally handle it.
Thank you again.
Hi from Strictly English, we have put your essay through our database. This checks for fourteen different stylistic and grammatical points of your essay. But we need your email in order to send you your personal essay score.

We look forward to hearing from you.
Aug 9, 2011   #5
In general, it is a good essay, maybe it will be better if you add some more examples or make a concession;
Good luck~
Aug 9, 2011   #6
Cirriculum classes should complement the major of interest with unmet advantage and unmet expectations.When correlating familarities relevelant to a preferable nich,a major calibrates exponentially the recipicants implimentation for positive results.To say the class was a gain for apprentice to nourishment and novice employment.I like the concept of part-time relative work

condusive with the favoite major.Familiarity does breed contentment.
Aug 11, 2011   #7
Cirriculum classes should compliment the major's interest with unmet advantage and unmet expectations.
When correlating familiarities relevant to a preferable nich,a major calibrates exponentially the student's
implementation for positive results.To say the classes is like apprenticeship towards novice employment.
I like the concept of part-time relative work that's condusive with the major or minor.This is a revised
comment with the student should not take part-time jobs when they study in university.The appreciation
that I relate with is the cirriculum and the support working part-time has to offer.
Aug 22, 2011   #9
your essay is well written.. However you should elabrote more on some views. Overall, essay consists of some nice ideas..


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