Hi, if you see my essay and intend to give feedback, would you mind giving me a detailed one in terms of Grammar and Vocab, Task Response & Achievement and Cohesion & Coherence? I'm not being needy; I just think that I would adjust my writing more effectively if I knew in detail what is wrong in my essay. Thank you in advance!!
subjects of substantial influences on students' lives
Topic: Students should be taught academic knowledge so that they can pass exams, and skills such as cooking and dressing should not be taught. To what extent do you agree/disagree?
It is argued that academic knowledge is necessary for students to meet the demand for exams. As a result, skills such as cooking or dressing should be abolished in school's curriculum. From a personal point of view, I strongly disagree with this idea. In this essay, I am going to analyse why these basic skills should be considered as compulsory subjects in school.
To begin with, it is conspicuous that academic subjects are no substitute for essential living skills. Suppose that academic knowledge plays an indispensable role in student's study and work, likewise the abilities to cook and get dressed in their social life. Dressing, in particular, has a major impact on student's image. To illustrate, when going to an interview for a new job or entering a new working environment, students who dress well will give people an undoubted better impression than the ones with inappropriate styles. On account of that these skills are not innate, they should be taught at school as subjects.
Another reason why skills such as getting dressed and cooking should not be abandoned is that the lack of these skills can result in the degradation of student's life quality. For instance, many school children these days have to eat junk food as substitute for main meals due to the inability to cook. As a result, many of them suffer from obesity at an early age. In fact, many parents either do not have time to accommodate their children with such skills or do not want to teach them since they consider these skills as insignificant in comparison with exams which require academic knowledge. Therefore, it is school's responsibility to equip student with these vital skills.
To conclude, despite the need of academic knowledge for standard exams, skills such as cooking and dressing should still be in students'favour because of their substantial influences on their lives.Hi @gracie2002,
This is my feedback in terms of coherence. I hope that it will be helpful.
I think your essay isn't clear enough. Specifically, in the second and the third paragraph, you mentioned 2 reasons why soft skills should be taught but they are quite similar. In fact, I think, they are one which is the importance of soft skills in real life. The only difference between 2 paragraphs is in the second one, you took get dressed skill as an example and the third, you took cooking.
Besides, I think skills mentioned here is not just get dressed and cooking, it also can be communication skill or self-study skill, and so on. You also can take them as examples.
This is just my opinion, you can take it or leave it.
