Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

writing task 2 - Should students work during high school years?

hailinh_nguyen 1 / -  
Sep 29, 2020   #1
Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subject.

To what extent do you agree ?

Professions plays an essential role in a mature person's life. However, a lot of youngsters are not able to understand the world of work after graduate, according to some people. Personally, I completely agree with this viewpoint and to my way of thinking, schools should offer teenagers to spend a certain amount of time to work along with studying academic subject.

For a variety of reasons, I firmly believe that it is crucial for students to gain insight into the world of work during schoolyears. Firstly, when students know about how money is earned through hard work, they will be more grateful for what they have at the time. Some children, due to the pampering of their parents, do not understand the value of money and they just expect their parents to provide them with luxurious items. So to my mind, if those children have opportunities to work for a short amount of time, they will understand profoundly the value of money and know how hard their parents have to work and become more appreciative.

Secondly, as being an adult, I aware of the difference between going to work and going to school, and in my opinion, the world of work is a cruel world where people have to be responsible for their work, where mistakes costs fortune, ...Therefore, I think teenagers should be provide with the chance of working as well as studying in order to not get shock in the future when they join the working world.

In conclusion, according to the given reasons, I firmly agree that students should be facilitate to work during schoolyears and that would be a precious experience. However, students should balance between working and studying as spending too much time working can affect adversely on their academic performance.

Nashenas - / 2 1  
Sep 30, 2020   #2
professions plays
For a variety of reasons -- bro it is better to mention this expression in the first paragraph
due to the pampering of their parents, no need for comma
I aware ... and going to school, I am aware of difference between work and education
... students should be facilitate --- not facilitate---- students should be alowed or have the opportunity of working
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,110 3260  
Sep 30, 2020   #3
Your presentation has several problems in the first paragraph. The first problem, is that you have improperly formatted your sentences, leading to a lower GRA score. Second, although you present a proper measured response, you should be telling the reader your reasons instead of just repeating the last part of the original prompt. In fact, you did a very poor job in the restatement as you still used certain original prompt keywords. You should always make sure that you do not repeat the use of the original words as you can lose points for using cut and paste or memorized phrases.

Do not say; "For a variety of reasons" in your opening statement. You have to understand that the reasoning sentence will score better once you use topic sentences. It is important to use a topic sentence that actually relates to the discussion topic for that paragraph. In your first reasoning sentence, you are wasting 2 opening sentences because you are not using information there that can move the discussion forward. Each sentence in your presentation should be utilized in a method that helps to increase the clarity of your discussion and add to the information of the reader. Do not waste the word count on word fillers. The word fillers will not increase your score.

You cannot use 2 punctuation marks successively. Either use a comma or use the ellipses. You will lose GRA points with that error. It shows a lack of understanding of the English grammar and sentence structure rules.

Home / Writing Feedback / writing task 2 - Should students work during high school years?