Some people believe it is a good idea for students to work part-time to ensure better opportunities in the future.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
It is often said that students should have a part-time job alongside their study for a better future. I completely agree with this view, and will give my reasons below.
In my opinion, the salary students earn from their part-time jobs is beneficial for them in many ways. Attending university requires much money to pay for a number of expenses, not only tuition fees but also the cost of books and academic supplies or accommodation if students are living away from home, and a part-time job will therefore allow them to cover these needs. Perhaps more importantly, I would also argue that teenagers may learn to become financially independent from their parents through part-time jobs. By working and earning their own income, these young people will understand the value of money, and develop a sense of responsibility and self-reliance, which prepares them to live on their own as adults.
At the same time, I also believe that working while in school certainly boosts students' future career prospects. Through part-time jobs, especially one related to their major, teenagers can acquire details of what they have been taught, gain real experience and learn practical skills, which may help them stand out when applying for a job. Even if the job experience is not directly connected to the field, young people might be qualified for a position that those without that experience could not get. For example, I would argue that understanding children and their wants from working at a daycare center makes a difference in landing a position in the marketing department of a toy company when compared to someone that has no experience at all.
In conclusion, I believe that those with part-time jobs will thrive in society and thus, students should be encouraged to work during their studies.
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A proper restatement includes at least one discussion topic presentation in relation to the given question. In this instance, 2 subjects, presented individually would have helped you get a better TA score. Simply saying that you will discuss things below does not tell the examiner anything about how well you understood the topic, and how relevant your opinion is, based on your reasoning subjects. If you want to get an assured passing score, you need to deliver a complete restatement and show that you understood how and why the topic must be discussed.
Your conclusion is less than the 40 word format for the summary conclusion. You have really concluded the essay with a complete recap of the topic, your reasons, and your opinion. This part should be at least 3 sentences long. Definitely far more words are required to complete this presentation than what you have at the moment.
Hi! Try to write more in the thesis statement part instead of just saying "I completely agree with this view, and ...". Think of this part as an executive summary that provides a bigger picture of the whole essay. You can mention the reasons that you mentioned in Paragraph 2 and 3 with other words (try to paraphrase!).
hi, I think your essay uses too many excessive statements like Perhaps more importantly, I would also argue, I would argue that... Try not to use them as they only make your essay become less concise.
I do recommend you to use transition words (therefore, furthermore, additionally) at the beginning of your paragraphs to be able to make them flow smoother.