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Many studies show that people spend most of their time using smartphones for various reasons

JennyWhiteSnow 1 / -  
Jan 2, 2021   #1

Problematic smartphone use

Because of advanced technology, the high addiction to 3C products has been regarded as a universal issue. Taiwanese government also started to establish systematic road signs as a reminder.

For modern people, it is impossible to get rid of this habit by using smartphones. People can immediately access all of the information from all over the world. The documents have been within numerical terms. Even after thirty decades, artificial intelligence might have been well-developed, smartphones will be used to manage production by entrepreneurs in the businesses.

In recent years, learning languages and school subjects, a variety of platforms have been established on the internet, including YouTube, TED Talk, CNN, or BBC news. It is convenient to study for those who were born in a poor family. The existence of smartphones can shorten the big discrepancy between rich and destitution. In the part of disadvantage, it is unavoidable to cause short-sightedness. At the same time, the human brain will be impacted by a strong electromagnetic force.

The usage of anything needs to be treated with a timely rigor of the surveillance. The parents and teachers play important roles in the issue which educate their children and parents to be good self-management for smartphones.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,051 4255  
Jan 3, 2021   #2
An academic essay must follow specific grammar rules, that includes specific guidelines regarding when and how to use conjunctions such as "because". As a connecting word, "because" is used to connect 2 related ideas in one sentence to create a fluid thought process. It cannot be used at the start of a sentence or paragraph presentation without a statement or thought presentation preceding it.

The first paragraph does not establish the actual topic, reason, and thesis statement for the discussion. There is no connection between the use of 3C products at the start and why the Taiwanese government decided to use road signs. There needs to be a middle presentation that will connect the two topics to create a coherent paragraph. There are several pieces of information missing in that paragraph which could have accomplished that.

The second paragraph fails to make any sense to the reader. You said that the habit of people "by using smartphones" cannot be gotten rid of. There is a mistake in the sentence structure. Did you mean "of" rather than "by" using smartphones instead? There is again, a lack of a clear subject or topic sentence and ill developed discussion presentation in that paragraph.

The same problems persist throughout your succeeding paragraphs. There is no common sense or logical sense to your presentation. The subject and reason for the discussion paragraphs are always missing, confusing, or not very well explained. The opinion paper, as presented, is not good at all. An English native speaker will not be able to make sense of what the point of your presentation actually is. There are too many avenues for discussion presented, yet not a single one is central or integral to the discussion being presented.
khoadowrite 1 / 2  
Jan 3, 2021   #3
In addition to the previous comment by Mr. Holt, I would like to add something.
Since you did not provide a task question, it is hard to know whether you are targeting which parts of the question. In addition, this essay is a little bit too short for an IELTS standard (only 202 words).

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