relationships via internet are common these days
As from the Internet was invented, lots of people started using social networks such as Facebook, Twitter... every day for the sake of working or entertainment. Quite a few teenagers are interested in those apps and gradually being emotionally affected by them from the internet to reality. Hence, many young people prefer socialising online to meeting face to face one another person due to the fact that it is easy to use a social app by a laptop or a phone while we just need to sit at home and relax. However, socialising online exerts devastating effects on young people in some ways. My essay will lighten up this issue.
Firstly, using those electronic devices often to chat not only causes many eyes problems such as shortsightedness but also jeopardizes the thinking abilities of people, especially young people. Researches have shown that 4 out of 10 teenagers who use phones more than 3 hours per day have a lower IQ than others. Secondly, because of the fantastic internet world without realistic actions, people can easily create a perfect image of their own to show of it on purpose, which results in the frustration of both once they met in real life. For example, a girl that wants to be more attractive can use a different profile picture for a social app just to get the attention of other boys. Sadly, when they get to meet each other, there will be a surprise or even disappointment for both which can harm the real-life relationship. Moreover, taking the advantages of the internet, some swindlers may fool the naive teenagers while chatting online to get money, private information or some terrible things such as naked or pornographic photos.
Fortunately, some measures can fight back to encourage teenagers to spend more time to meet people in person. Schools and youth centres should celebrate more and more outdoor activities for students such as camping, matching couple games, extracurricular activities... which enhances the real-life relationships of teenagers. Education plays a crucial roll in the awareness of young people if teachers can explain to them the negative effects of meeting online and also encourage teenagers to participate in realistic activities.
In conclusion, using socialising online too much has some disadvantages which not only harm the real-life relationship but also the health of people. However, we still have a way to fight back.
The introduction section is too long. It should only contain 2 sentences, one for a general statement in which you paraphrase the question, and one for your opinion.
The conclusion should be balanced with the introduction. Your first body is not balanced too, I do not see any support from your last 2 sentences of your first body.
"Sadly" --> informal! --> Use "Unfortunately"
Do not use "..." with "such as" --> remove "..."
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You cannot write 395 words within 40 minutes. You are not leaving yourself any time, if you even manage to actually write the complete essay within that time frame, for proof reading. There are obvious and uncorrected LR, grammar, and word usage problems in the presentation. These make it obvious to the examiner that you did not edit the essay for errors and content, you only wanted to write more words, hoping that you will pass because of the length, rather than the lack of errors in your presentation.
Your introduction is too long and does not serve the purpose of a topic restatement with reasoning topic presentation should be no more than 5 sentences, Only sentence 3 actually applies to the discussion from the original presentation:
Why do you think this is the case? What measures could be taken to encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person?
The paraphrase itself lends to a different discussion from the one required. Therefore, your essay has changed the topic for discussion and as such, will receive a failing score due to a discussion that is not related to the task requirement. You failed to explain why people prefer to socialize online instead of in person. There was no requirement to discuss health hazards or other research. This is purely a personal knowledge essay discussion .
Your solution recommendations are in line with the original topic. However, the lack of reasons for in-person socialization proves to be the failing aspect of your presentation. You need to learn to understand the questions first. Improve your English comprehension skills. Write simpler essays for now. Do not use the complicated task 2 discussion points. Use the simple agree or disagree essays for now. Get a feel for the discussion patterns and learn how to approach these properly. Then your score should begin to improve in the practice tests.