Here is the edited paragraph.
Comments:
- I found that the ideas were not arranged in any order. General ---> Specific ---> General
- Try not to repeat phrases such as "When students study abroad..." or "Another important thing of studying abroad..." They do not use good grammar and are repetitive. Every time you use the word, "when," refer to a specific time period. Try not to use the word "thing."
- If you use "more and more," refer to a comparison time period. A better example of its use: "Compared with fifty years ago, more and more children today..." Even in this example, the "more and more" may be removed. "Compared with fifty years ago, children today..."
- "...Great advantages bringing to them" is incorrect. "Advantages" cannot be "brought" to anyone. "Advantages" may be "acquired by," "earned by," "offered to."
Good work. Needs some revision.