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IELTS: Studying in univ. or finding a job? High education prospects a successful career


SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Mar 26, 2014   #1
Hello Friends :D, Please kindly comment my discursive essay. Thank you

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to reach successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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High education prospects a successful career. Obviously, as the immense knowledge guarantee people to acquire better job. However, some paradoxical group assumes that got work directly after graduated is beneficial, too. I believe that both assumptions have advantages followed.

Finding job after school not surprisingly does by students who dream of financial independent. Coming mature, rely on parents financial constraint become embarrassing for some student, thus this feel encourage them to earn money by them self. On the other hand, several students think successful career may relate to how early the career is built. For this purpose, it is likely that a considerable number for enrolling university are reduced.

In any case, some people think study in the university is the path to get proficient career. This might encourage a schoolchildren devote herself to enroll in the Psychological faculty in order to fulfill her ambition as a psychologist. However, study in university brings sense of comfort for student who has a curiosity in a formal learning. Thus, join discussion, do research or literature analyzing in a college become enjoyable activities that arise students ambition to deal with learning process.

The aforementioned evidence examines that either continuing study in the university or finding job has benefit for people who believe it for. Therefore, it seems to me that successful career is prevailed by a responsible decision.
andial 21 / 48 3  
Mar 26, 2014   #2
Hi frens,

students who dream of financial independent

.. If you think dream is a verb in this case, Verb does not normally followed by a preposition

On the other hand, your vocabulary combination is pretty good :-)
Bob brother 15 / 22  
Mar 26, 2014   #3
themselves
for some students ,
several students that think successful career may relate to how early the career is built.
OP SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Mar 26, 2014   #4
hi, frens

your vocabulary combination is pretty good :-)

thank you, andial.

for some students,

oh god, plural need 's'. I often do the same mistakes :(

hi, Dumi
I try to understand an approach you gave to me. Based on my understanding I did in my previous. Indeed, I think my overview weaken by a fragment sentence without a main sentence.

may I revise
High education prospects a successful career. Obviously, as the immense knowledge guarantee people to acquire better job, some paradoxical group assumes that got work directly after graduated is beneficial, too. I believe that both assumptions have advantages followed.

there let me analyze my intro
Hook : high education prospects a successful career
Background :Obviously, as the immense knowledge guarantee people to acquire better job, some paradoxical group assumes that got work directly after graduated is beneficial, too.

Statement :I believe that both assumptions have advantages followed

may I get another advice for these? :D
MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Mar 26, 2014   #5
High educationprospects a successful career.

High education and higher education do not have similar meanings. Higher education means education beyond high school such as at college and university level.
Also, I'm not sure if "prospect" is the right word in this case. As far as I'm concerned, prospect as a verb means searching for something desirable or finding out or exploring things such as minerals.

some paradoxical group people assumes that gotwork getting a job directly after graduated graduation is more beneficial, too .

both assumptions opinions

Finding a job after school not surprisingly doesis done by students who dream of financial independent.

Coming mature, rely on parents financial constraint become embarrassing for some student

This has many grammatical mistakes.
Financial dependence leads to low self-esteem of some young people


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