The subject and lesson content of learning - IELTS WRITING TASK 2: An opinion essay

Please help me with this essay. Thank you so much.

Topic:
The subject and lesson content of what children are taught in schools is oftern decided by central authorities, such as federal government. Some people believe that teachers should be responsible for this task.

To what extent do you afree or disagree?

Here is my essay:

Some people think that teachers should be the ones who decide what to teach to children in schools instead of central government, who has done this for years. I, personally, completely disagree with this point of view.

There are two reasons why the authorities should continue to take the responsibility. In terms of subject designers, they receive sufficient training to be eligible for the task regarding thinking of contents for the whole course and putting them in a logical sequence. There are specialised groups of people who possess adequate knowledge, skills as well as experience to be primarily in charge of the design. Towards students, they are likely to receive the same schooling as their counterparts. Children of certain ages will learn the similar amount of contents as teachers are required to adhere to particular materials.

Being responsible for a great number of tasks makes teachers unable to stay focused on their primary duty, which is to transmit knowledge to students. All may seem well at the very beginning; however, teachers cannot ignore the feeling of frustration and pressure in the long run. They have to design the material, build lesson plans and think of activities at the same time, which in turn brings them such exhaustion that prevents them from conducting effective classes.

In conclusion, every position has its own responsibility. Teachers should give priority to teaching rather than disturbing themselves with other things.

The essay cannot receive a passing score because you wrote under the word count. The minimum acceptable number of words are 250 words. You are expected to write no more than 290 words. An essay of 235 words will end up with a large word count deduction in terms of scoring percentages that it will affect your ability to get a passing score.

An additional problem that will result in the failure of your essay is how you misunderstood the prompt. Central authorities in the prompt does not refer to the government. Rather, it refers to the departments and government agencies that oversee the educational system of a country. Central authorities could be the Department of Education, Commission on Higher Education, and other educational entities in various countries. This shows a lack of vocabulary skills on your part as you did not understand the meaning of central authorities as implied in the original discussion presentation.

The opening paragraph and concluding paragraphs should be composed of 2 versions of the prompt restatement, reasoning discussions, and your opinion. These paragraphs must be represented within 3-5 sentences. Failure to comply with the sentence requirement often results, as in your case, with a less than minimum word count. The lack of proper task accomplishment in these sections, along with an improper or under developed reasoning discussion, will also result in heavy penalties in relation to your final score. This is not a passing essay presentation.

Here are some comments for your essay
- Write at least 250 words for IELTS task 2
- In introduction paragraph "I, (No comma needed) personally , completely (choose only one of them)"
- Try to simplify your explanation in both body paragraph and give any relevant example
- In conclusion, you didn't mention anything about central government

1. You have not stated the clear statement in the introduction paragraph. It might be better if you mention 2 briefly reason why you dissagree this notion. It will help you to develop the following body paragraph.

2. The body paragraph should comprises ther Topic sentence as the main idea, the reason behind the issue you take, possible example (contain 5W+1H question) and the implication (future prediction)

3. The conclusion, pharaphrasing from the introduction is primary needed, while you should giving your own opinion as to avoid the repetition.