TOEFL Subjects like art should be a part of child's education, it's a beneficial and necessary trend

any comments are appreciated

dis/agree: Subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education.

Nowadays, many school, either primary school or high school or even in the kindergarten have already arranged some courses like art and music appreciation and drama performation. The trend is beneficial and necessary.

Yes, you may say the main purpose of a student is to study science like math or physics. Yes, you may think that few children can become artists in the future. But these all are not the sound reasons to cancel such courses.

The first thing is a child's future holds lots of possibilities. Although they are young, we cannot make decision for them. What our adult should do is to try to open them to all kinds of subjects. For example, Mozart is a talent person in music, what if he did not even geo the opportunity to touch the piano. Instead, most of his time was asked to solve math puzzles.

Second, subject like art, music is excellent at helping to develop children's brain. Studies have shown that people who play instruments or draw are brighter than those who don't. Play music can stimulate the brain and help to foster a quicker mind. We all know that our brain has two hemisphere, music and art trigger the right side of the brain which are not that active when one only learn science subject or recite things.

At last, we all once were a student. Life in school is not that easy. It seems that we have infinite homework to do. At least for me, I long for a music class or art class, this is always a good path to relax and soothe myself.

As I discussed above, subject such as art, music, and drama is not only important but necessary for the children as well.

ps: should i indent fore spaces at the begining of every paragraph?

Active tense should be utilized more than the passive. Passive makes for boring essays.

First of all don't worry about the indents.

Your essay does follow a kind of structure (Intro, Supporting exmples & Conclusion) which is a good thing but you need to come up with more compelling examples.

The examples you presented to support your statement lacks the link with your statement "For example, Mozart is a talent person in music, what if he did not even geo the opportunity to touch the piano. Instead, most of his time was asked to solve math puzzles. "

Also always try to proof read your essay for any grammatical errors "Play music can stimulate "

yes,you are right.
though i konw that, i am not used to apply them spontaneously.

sorry, i have reread the essay again and again, but i found not so much passive voice, or i am just not that sensitive to that?

would you mind helping me point out one for example?

thank you for your advice.

The example of Mozart does not make any sense to you? Oh, I am so sorry.

I finished this paper in less then 30 min, which the test asked us to do.
A little haste, anyway.
I guess next time I make the outline, i should try not only list some supportive points but come up with some examples respectively asap as well.

The problem with this as an opening is that art and music appreciation courses are well established, having been in place for decades. The current trend, unfortunately, is for such programs to be cut back or shut down due to lack of funding.

yeah, your words let me know that writing essay should concern more about the reality of the would. your comment enlightened me, and did lead me to think in a more appropreate way while i organize my other essays.

thank you!

Overall you have the right sort of structure for a TOEFL essay. One thing to think about, though:


Hmmm . . . but is this because playing music and drawing develop intelligence, or because a certain level of intelligence is a prerequisite for doing well in music and art?

yes, thank you. good and enlightening comments.
anyway, i admit that a certain level of intelligence do play an important role to some extent(i mean for someone like langlang who could play such feats); however, with most of the average people, we play music for intrest and fun. since it triggers different realm of the brain compared with that of other subject like i said in my essay, don't you think it could develop man's intelligence? At least, it could connect more neural cell in man's brain that brighten the man.

Just pointing out that you should be suspicious of any study claiming causal connections between two things. Causal connections are notoriously difficult to prove, especially when it comes to studies dealing with aspects of human behavior, where there are so many variables involved.

yes, exactly. My major is public health, which do comprise many studies concerning human behavior which could be affected by numerous complicated factors.
anyway, could that example in my essay be acceptable?(at least in the TOEFL)

Yeah, for the TOEFL it's fine. For just about any other essay, you'd want to elaborate on it at least a bit, though.