Well, I am preparing for the SAT and I wonder if you guys, EF_Contributers and members, can give me some feedbacks and correct my Essay and grade it out of 6. I really need help. Thanks for advance!!!
SAT May 2006
Prompt:
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
It is not that people dislike being part of a community; it is just that they care about their individual freedoms more. People value neighborliness and social interaction - until being part of a group requires them to limit their freedom for the larger good of the group. But a community or group cannot function effectively unless people are willing to set aside their personal interests.
Adapted from Warren Johnson, the Future is Not What It Used to Be
Assignment : Does the success of a community-whether it is a class, a team, a family, a nation, or any other group-depend upon people's willingness to limit their personal interests?Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
My Essay:
Has union been a boon for the success of a community? Do we have to put the collective interest in the highest order and limit our innate tendency to act egoistically? Judging from recent history, I can firmly assert that success, brilliant performances and achievement are only the fruit of our will to forgo our selfishness.
A couple of axioms might be usefully underlined at this stage. In fact, I believe that insofar as each citizen or individual try to minimize his personal profit and instantaneous gain, the society will gain an unconditional support and a significant boost in order to accomplish a collective goal which is the ultimate achievement that makes citizens or members of community stick together. For instance the European Union (EU) introduced in 1957 as CECA, become nowadays the second economic force in the world. In fact, wealthy nations like France, U.K and Luxembourg demonstrate a high level of maturity, foresight and solidarity to poorer nations like former Soviet countries and Balkans' states who joined EU recently in 2000s. The policy of such close-knit community proved its success in many regions across Europe. Besides, EU managed to tighten the gap between nations, to increase in the average GDP, to decrease the overall unemployment rate and to lessen the tension in Balkans for example, despite setbacks as Greece Debt Crisis.
Sometimes, Forgoing personal interest is a duty and a nation must rather than a simple choice. In fact, Germany did not lose the WWI in the battle field but was stabbed in the back. In fact, motivated by their economic personal interest, Jewish business men, left-wing parties and Marxist signed the peace treaty with Allies authorities while soldier were in the fronts fighting. This stab in the back caused a significant loss in land, hard currency and paved the way to Nazis to take over the power in Germany. That's why it's crucial for individuals to limit their egocentrism.
Furthermore, a sport team, be it soccer, football or basketball team, mostly rely on the dedication and the integration of members. For instance, a member shouldn't act selfishly in order to be praise by sport pundits as Man of the match and achieve , consequently, personal glory and earn interest from bigger teams at the expense of the teams' success because it would be a huge loss to hours of training , hard work and perspiration. Ultimately, selfish person will generate hate, anger, resentment and conflict between teammates. At this stage, no dream can be achieved because selfishness in tantamount to failure.
To cap it all, I ponder that a community is best assimilated to a human body with its members working flawlessly to serve a specific task in order to preserve the overall harmony and sanity but if each member works for itself no value will be bring and the body will suffer from serious diseases.
Overall. I'm gonna have to give your essay a 4. I really liked the contents and the examples you provided. They were actually some of the best examples you could have used for your essay, so kudos to you on that. However, as you may have noticed now, there were plenty of significant errors in grammar and syntax spread throughout your essay that clouded the great points you have provided, which ultimately cost you points. Grammar is just as important as the contents you provide in your essays, especially for SAT. If you had made only a few grammatical mistakes, I would have given your essay a 5 or a 6, which is why I'm sorry to say this: While you're essay is not terrible enough for me to give a 1, 2 or 3, it's not good enough for me to give it a 5 or a 6 either. I can only give it a 4.
Much better. I cannot think of any obvious mistakes in grammar or syntax that I can point out right away.
My only problem of course, is your conclusion. Yeah, now that I think about it, you really did introduce it as a metaphor to the human body early in the sentence rather than later. However, it's the way you introduced it that made it sound awkward. You said "I ponder that a community is best assimilated to a human body..." I don't think that's a very apt way of delivering the comparison, which was why I probably did not recognize it as a simile the first time I read it. From my experience, people don't say it like that when they want to compare two things. In this case, simple is best: "To cap it all, a community is like a human body, with all of its components foregoing individuality in order to better serve a specific task each aspect is a part of." Something like this. And just add one more sentence stating how it's a good thing community forgets their egocentrism or self-interest in order to better serve society.
I would give your essay a 5. It's not perfect, which is why I'm not giving a 6, but you gave an excellent and a diverse set of examples that prove your point and it was tons better than your previous essay.
Thanks lightfox I really appreciate your help !! Respect !!!
To cap it all, a community is like a human body, with all of its components foregoing individuality in order to better serve a specific task each aspect is a part of.So, we must limit our personal interest in favor of the group because these limitations, no matter how small it may appear, is a key factor for progress and improvement.
Please help me with the other essay. I was waiting 2 days but I don't receive any meaningful help. Thanks for advance !!!
