hi. this is my definition essay for english comp and its due tomorrow in class friday. this is my first time writing a definition essay so any helpful comment would be extremely helpful. Please help. I need to know if I am on the right track and if there's any grammerical mistakes. Thank you so much.
Success: A Journey"
"Success is a journey, not a destination"
Ben Sweetland
Cameras flashing. Beautiful women walking out on the red carpet, waving and smiling. Red lipstick smeared on perfectly. Crowds awe and reporters talk excitedly. Everywhere, expensive diamonds and brand names slapped on her body costing more than 10,000 dollars apiece. This glamorous life is usually what society perceives as success. But what is success? Is it money, is it fame, or is it hard work? Success is not determined by who you are, what you are, or what you have; it is a journey, a movement of one place to another.
Once, a long time ago, I remembered my mother and I always point out random women walking down the street and commenting on her clothes, personal appearances, and just basically what she was wearing. If that woman happened to wear a Gucci bag and had a Jaguar, my mom would say she was a successful woman because she had money. There was always this connection of success as having material things. After all, it's not only my mom who saw material wealth as success, often it's us all, as human beings.
Another example would be famous celebrities such as Paris Hilton who had the easy life filled with shortcuts and influence. Often people refer that lifestyle a success. However, success is a movement from starting from scratch with no shortcuts and ending with improvement of one self and mistakes. Yet, all her life, Paris Hilton had the money, had the opportunities, and now she is still in that same position. To say that Paris Hilton is successful is similar to saying, "I'm successful because I bought a car". There is this foolishness of that statement as with Paris Hilton. She is not a source for success because she started and ended as a human being in the same position as she is now. Her 'success' does not qualify because she had it easy and in reality, never acknowledges her mistakes. In birth we are all equal but what differentiate us as human beings is the ability to move forward and improving our starting point, so that our beginning and end is in a position of vast difference. The wider the chasm between where you started before and ended, the greater the success.
Through the journey of success, it requires making mistakes, but anyone can make mistakes in life. Take for example, today in class I realize that I make a mistake on every single question on my multiple-choice test in English. Making mistake is simple; it is part of our everyday life because no one is infallible. However, what make that mistake turn into a success is if and only if you as a person learn and improve from those mistakes.
For example, there is this famous story of Thomas Edison who was once criticized by a rival for wasting his time in his effort to create an effective light bulb. "Why do you keep pursuing this foolish dream," his rival said, when you have already failed in your attempt?" Instead, Thomas Edison replied, "I have not failed over 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in discovering over 10,000 designs for a light bulb that won't work" (Thomas). Back then Thomas Edison was seen as an unsuccessful person because he could not design a light bulb on his first try. Although Thomas Edison made countless mistakes, he also learned from them. When he had figured how to improve and keep on improving, he was regarded as a successful person and people look up to him because of where he began and end. He had transition from a place with nothing, with no idea how to reach his goal to ending with achieving his goal and improving his mistakes.
The journey of success keeps on going and may be a lifetime for a person. It never ends and it is not an easy task that happens overnight. However somehow in our society we label the rich and fabulous as successful and only muddle our self in confusion and ignorance.
I like your essay because it drew me in almost instantly (i was looking aroudn at essays to read, and if i didn't like the first sentence, i stopped reading haha) Your evidence/support is well desciribed and I like how you wrap up your essay.
Critique/suggstions:
I don't think that you should describe a "her" when you're talking about the rich damonds, because it seemed unecssary, and I don't know if i'm dumb or not but i was kind of confused- i get what you were doing with it but i think you can get rid of it
-just a change in wording, that I feel would sound better: I remember once, a long time ago, how my mother and I always pointed out random... (just because you didn't make point in the past tense and it sounded weird to me)
-I think your analogy would sound better if you said "I'm successful because I've had a car my whole life"
-Making a mistake is simple
Just fix up some grammar stuff and wroding and I think it'll be really good because your content is very good.
the content was very mature and i really liked it =)
"I'm successful because I bought a car"
this part however doesnt seem to fit in to me. somehow it just felt wrong and not a good example i think.
maybe u could try " i'm successful because my father is one." =)
otherwise,good job =)
