Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7

toefl -- success and luck


Jin 11 / 37  
Sep 18, 2009   #1
Q: "When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success." Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above?

People always ask how to success, some think it is because of hard work, while the others think it is from luck. As far as I am concerned, I accede to the part of hard work, but disagree with the last sentence. The following are the reasons why I think so.

As the proverb goes; "practice makes perfect". People can achieve their dreams by trying again and again, no one can succeed without practice. Let me take myself as an example, when I was a young, my mother took me to learn violin. Personally, I think it is one of the most difficult instruments in the world. It was so hard for me that I couldn't play a complete piece of music when I met my teacher in the next week. I felt extremely disappointed at that time, and I really want to play it well. So that evening, I started to practice as soon as I went back home. I was every awkward in the beginning because I cannot make my hands do different things. But I tried again and again, never gave up. To make my hands be balance, I began with one-hand exercise, and it seems worked. When I went to my violin teacher again, she was so surprised about my remarkable improvement and said; "Good job, girl.", which is one of the most exciting words I have heard till now, so I will never forget this experience. It is the practice that makes me successful.

However, besides hard work, success consists of a lot of factors, among which, luck accounts of the largest. Even though success is mainly result of hard work, we cannot neglect the existence of luck, which is not rational. According to the research on "how the successful men succeed in U.S.", 65% of which say they accomplish their goals only through practice, while 95% of people involved say it is the combination of work and luck that make them successful, even if the hard work is more important than luck for sure. In this conclusion of this report, the author said it indicates the clear ideas that luck is the second basic element for success.

To sum up, it is not so critical to say luck has nothing to do with success. Even though the hard work is the most important element, luck is still not dispensable.

EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 18, 2009   #2
People always ask how to succeed.S ome think success comes from hard work, while the others think it comes from luck.

As far as I am concerned, I accede to the part of hard work, but disagree with the last sentence.

Two points here: (1) I notice you use the word "accede" quite frequently. Congratulations on knowing that word, but you should know that it is used very infrequently by native speakers. (2) In general, your essays should not be self-referential. Don't refer back to your own sentences or paragraphs. In this instance, doing so is particularly problematic because you actually disagree with the second idea in the previous sentence, not a separate sentence.

Overall, I am confused by this essay. You seem at first to be saying that you disagree with the notion that luck leads to success. But then you claim that luck is the largest part of success. You need to state your thesis clearly and unambiguously in your opening paragraph.
OP Jin 11 / 37  
Sep 18, 2009   #3
EF_Simone

actually, I only disagree with the "luck has nothing to do with success", which totally neglect the existence of luck. while i said in my essay that luck is the second largest part of success,it means luck has something to do with success, just not so important as hard work.

is that ok in this essay?

and I will not take myself as an example. thank you for reminding. also the
"accede" hah~
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 18, 2009   #4
Yes, I understand what you meant. But what you wrote was different. If you believe that luck is the second largest part of success, then that is what you must say directly in your introduction and again in your conclusion.
OP Jin 11 / 37  
Sep 18, 2009   #5
EF_Simone

yes, I forgot.

People always ask how to succeed, some think it comes hard work, while the others think it comes from luck. As far as I am concerned, luck has something to do with success, which is just not as important as hard work. The following are the reasons why I think so.
OP Jin 11 / 37  
Sep 19, 2009   #6
EF_Simone

yes, you are right

so ,i have made a little bit change about my essay, is it better?

As the proverb goes; "practice makes perfect". People can achieve their dreams by trying again and again, no one can succeed without practice. Let me take my friend as an example, who is a sophomore in Qinghuang University in China, and her major is mathematics. But when she was a high student, mathematics was her weakest subject. She always failed in passing the mathematics at first semester. However, when she got the University Entrance Exam, mathematics was her highest subject, and she was admitted by Qinghuang University, which is the best university in China. We all wondered about her remarkable improvement in mathematics, finally, she unveiled the answer to us, she said it is the practice that make her successful.
thinhtvdhtm 41 / 97  
Sep 20, 2009   #7
personally, i think you should not to many pronoun such as:i you we in essays


Home / Writing Feedback / toefl -- success and luck