Hello teachers, this is my first IELTS writing. Could you please give me advice to improve it? Thanks!
how talent is best developed?
It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.
Some prodigies have been early revealed their talents in certain fields such as art or sport while a kid may have a good performance in their career by being educated. These two viewpoints are partly right in specific contexts.
On one hand, gifted babies are genetically good that comes from their lineage as an inheritance and so they are generally found very soon within the span of their childhood. Mozart, a prodigious composer, had known to play instrument when he was a young kid before he was recognized widely with his artistic shows then still very young. In football, people admire the clever Lionel Messi who was adopted as a talented kid by his first football club in Argentina. Barcelona football club then brought him to Spain, nurturing him and we now have one of two best players in the world, about the other one, I am going to refer below.
On the other hand, an alternative way to make a talent is education. A reasonable teaching method which focuses on student's long-term development, particular learner tailoring, is essential for fostering good students in their profession. To be proficient, not only cultivating knowledge but also acquiring experience is required so schools should propose the curriculum targeting on this. Also in football, as I mention as Messi's counterpart, another current best football player is Cristiano Ronaldo whom I greatly admire for his intense efforts. He trains strictly himself with his own designed program for building muscle scientifically that is important factor to his success in matches. Ronaldo has been keenly fighting for further goals and hasn't stop himself from practice.
It is so more advantaged in achieving success that being a gifted child but if children without that favour are academically taught with a best fit program I believe they would show as well as those considered as prodigies.
Your writing is good.Your first and second paragraphs are good. In the third one,It looks like everything is focused on education and schools and their curriculum.Its not only schools that can make someone proficient in something,it is also the person's hard work and determination that plays a key role in becoming a skilled craftsman. In the example ,you can talk about ronaldo's determination and eagerness to play football since a small age even though he belonged from a poor family.
You can also add the point that despite being gifted child, the gift is of no use unless it is worked upon so everything comes down to hard work and determination.
Hope this helps
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This is a comparative essay discussion that did not ask you to come up with a conclusive personal opinion. The original prompt instruction for the discussion was simply:
Discuss both ideas by giving your opinion.
Therefore, it was incorrect for you to use the following as the thesis statement:
These two viewpoints are partly right in specific contexts.
An example of a more appropriate thesis statement would have been:
Having wondered myself about how talent is best developed, I have decided that it is time for me to reflect on these ideas on general terms, without supporting a specific aspect of the discussion.
If you were to better score in the GRA section of this essay, you should have used more first person pronouns while discussing the topic sentences. You did that successfully in the second body paragraph. You should have been more consistent in the presentation by doing it throughout. From the first body paragraph all the way to the conclusion.
Good work on the essay. Although you could have stuck to more modern examples using personal knowledge and left Mozart out of the discussion (for cohesiveness and coherence) the essay shows that you partly understood the prompt requirements and discussed it in an almost accurate manner. Keep writing, you can only get better from here.
Your additional point is great of which I though when writing but I tried to limit the time allowed and skipped it. Thanks!
"This is a comparative essay discussion that did not ask you to come up with a conclusive personal opinion"
I may not understand your mean completely. The question asks discussing and giving opinion so why can't I "come up with a conclusive personal opinion"? Could you please clarify it?
You should not add your personal feelings (Example: I greatly admire Messi) in your essays. Try to avoid informal words like "so". Instead, write "therefore" or "hence". And don't use short form in formal writing too, write "do not" instead of "don't".