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IELTS TASK 2 : success is ten per cent talent and ninety per cent hard work?


aryaayra 7 / 19 2  
Apr 9, 2014   #1
Hello Fellas..
This is my old writing that I wrote it a couple months ago, but is not corrected yet, hopefully you can correct my mistakes, thank you. :)

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Some people said that success is ten per cent talent and ninety per cent hard work. Is hard work the key to success or is talent is so important. Give reason for your answer and give any relevant example for your own knowledge or experience.

Attainment is always being foremost target for the most people. It is cause of to be uncommon person, which means owned plenty achievements that can be prestige or pride.

Yngwee Malmsteen, is one of legendary guitarists, became criterion for amateur guitarists. He ever said that his success began from talent and tried to develop it. This example shows that talent owned by him gave numerous awards as the greatest guitarist.

Discussing about talent, some people already have this bounty since their born or seen when they are growing up to be a teenager. In fact, Cleopatra Stratan, is a little latin girl already being massive popular in this universe, related to her talent which could make her became an awesome singer in her ages. This second example is likely that to get success with rely on the talent is easily.

On the contrary, working hard also becomes main factor to reach the goal in which depend on adherent of other people. For instance, Mr.Chairul Tandjoeng, was born in a small district in West Java, Indonesia, is the president of CT Enterprise. He said that all his achievements basically of his struggle and sacrifice regardless of a talent. With looking at the example, I can conclude that there will shows the evidence if we can keep focusing on our targets.

Clearly, both of talent and hard work are huge effect for people who want to chase their dreams, and how their effort to combine between talent and hard work being two strong foundations in order to get one or more attainment.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Apr 9, 2014   #2
Well, you seem to be having a tendency to replace words with advance vocabulary, rather synonyms. This is not a very good habit when it comes to writing. In writing, clarity is what more important and therefore you need to use the most appropriate word that can deliver your idea to the reader. When clarity is lost in your sentences, the words do not serve any purpose to your essay. So, do not replace words with synonyms too often.
OP aryaayra 7 / 19 2  
Apr 9, 2014   #3
thank you chief.. ur comments are so helping to improve on my vocabs .. :)
how bout my writing contents? were the paragraphs interrelated?
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Apr 9, 2014   #4
:D .... Hey, so you call me chief ....LOL :D
Well, I think you have good contents and also a good understanding about the appropriate structure for this task. However, you need to pay serious attention , first to grammar and then to clarity of your sentences :)
OP aryaayra 7 / 19 2  
Apr 11, 2014   #5
Thanks Chief.. :P
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Apr 16, 2014   #6
Have look at your intro:
Attainment is always being foremost target for the most people. It is cause of to be uncommon person, which means owned plenty achievements that can be prestige or pride.

Yngwee Malmsteen, is one of legendary guitarists, became criterion for amateur guitarists. He ever said that his success began from talent and tried to develop it. This example shows that talent owned by him gave numerous awards as the greatest guitarist.


A few notes:
A writer needs to keep in mind that the intro is often what a reader remembers best. Your intro should be the best part of your essay. If you could, state your own opinion in the introduction itself with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.

his achievements

what kinda achievements? You didn't tell :(

huge effect

bad colloquial phrase.
Read as many authentic texts as you can to improve your writing skills. Reading texts not only gives you some new ideas about different topics, but it also improves your vocab and grammar
OP aryaayra 7 / 19 2  
Apr 18, 2014   #7
hmmm, ok Sir.. ;)


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