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"It sucks that we're dead." ; SHORT STORY


Tempest2455 1 / -  
Mar 23, 2014   #1
Hi, so I am writing a short-story for school and I just need some grammatical help. That is, is the sentences making sense, what do I need to change in terms of grammar, spelling and punctuation? How can I improve the overall cohesiveness of the story? Maintaining the past tense? And any other errors spotted.

Thank you!!!

Title: Hope

A group of children were sitting silently on a log by a stream. One of them looked up at the sky.

"It sucks that we're dead."

The other children agreed, but none of them spoke up. The older kids just sighed, barely showing any kind of expression. The kid who had broken the silence was always restless, overly playful and too reckless. So, the others called her Reck. None of the other children knew her real name. They didn't even know their own anymore. They had forgotten it a long time ago. The oldest, wisest and most responsible child of them all, Prudent, thought Reck was a nuisance. The name Pest would have better suited, she believed.

"Don't you guys miss flying kites?" Reck questioned. She spread her arms out and ran in a circle, mimicking the motions of an aeroplane. Her face lit up as she remembered the feeling of the soft breeze against her cheeks.

The newer children perked up at the mention of kites. Their eyes shone brightly at the memory. The older kids brushed the thought aside. To them, it was a distant memory that had been long forgotten.

Reck sighed and crawled to the bank of the river. She leaned over and ran her hands through the water, pretending to feel the coolness against her fair skin. She sat hunched over the edge and stared into the murky water. A flash of orange caught her eyes.

"Guys! Come over here! I think I saw a koi fish." Reck grinned, averting her gaze to the motionless children by the log. They all looked at each other and began whispering. Prudent gritted her teeth and cleared her throat, immediately gaining everyone's attention. After all, she was the wisest of them all.

"There are no animals here, Reck. This is where children who have passed away come to live. Stop being foolish." Prudent reprimanded.

Reck was tired of Prudent crushing her hopes. In a swift move she knocked the older girl, who fell backwards into the water. The others gasped and began anticipating how she would react. Prudent resurfaced and stared blankly at Reck. A light-hearted chuckle erupted from the child, followed by Reck and the rest of the other children.

Reck ran back over to the log headed towards Cautious and Timid, "Come on, guys!" She nodded over her shoulder. The two looked hesitant before sprinting into the water. It wasn't long until all the children were splashing one around in the water. Although they couldn't feel the water, they had never felt so alive in a long time.

Unexpectedly, an orange fish with white spots leaped out of the water. It hovered over them, glowing in the sun's beams. When the fish landed on the edge of the bank, its tail slapped the water, scattering water over the children. They felt the cool droplets touch their skin.

In shock, Prudent looked over at Reck, "It looks like we have to start calling you Hope."

Thank you so much! Feedback would be much appreciated :)

Saqib 4 / 14  
Mar 23, 2014   #2
First of all, I loved the story! The idea is BRILLIANT. But there is always room for improvement.

The newer children perked up at the mention of kites. Their eyes shone brightly at the memory.

I think these two sentences should be combined. The same should be done with

The older kids brushed the thought aside. To them, it was a distant memory that had been long forgotten.

. This will help improve the flow
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 23, 2014   #3
The oldest, wisest and most responsible child of them all, Prudent, thought Reck was a nuisance. The name Pest would have better suited, she believed.

The oldest, wisest and most responsible one among them, Prudent, thought Reck a nuisance and felt that the name "Pest" suited better for Reck.

The newer children perked up at the mention of kites. Their eyes shone brightly at the memory. The older kids brushed the thought aside. To them, it was a distant memory that had been long forgotten.

The newer members perked up at the idea of kites. Their eyes started to shine bright bringing back the joyful memory. However, the older kids just rejected the idea. For them, it was a stale memory that had been long forgotten.


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