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Sugar-based drink consumption (Ielts task 2)

Huu Hoa 1 / -  
Jun 27, 2020   #1
Task 2: People are consuming more and more sugar-based drinks. Why?

What can be done to reduce sugary drink consumption?

There is no arguing that when residents live in modern society, drinks containing carbohydrates have been consumed increasingly prevalent. This essay will outline a number of reasons for this trend and several possible solutions to help tackle the issue.

One of the main causes of this problem is that When a nation's economy developed, this leads to unhealthy habits or hobbies, as a result, the demand of consumers especially youngsters who prefer drinks with a high glycemic index to traditional drinks. For example, in the US, Almost elementary pupils have been equipped with chocolate bars or soft drinks while they go to school, and they argue that it has become a popular trend or even a habit on a daily basis. In addition, Advertisement exerts a great influence on purchasing and using rich in high glycemic items. Corporations have private strategies to raise the sale of sugar-based drinks by advertising from TV to newspapers. For instance, some social experts argue that in recent years children using the internet as a part of their life. Unfortunately, companies producing sugary drinks create plenty of advertising posts through Facebook and Youtube which are regarded as one of the most prevalent websites have a lot of interest in children.

However, high-glycemic drinks are more likely to pose serious health implications such as diabetes or hypertension therefore governments need to adopt a number of viable solutions to deal with this problem. First and foremost, authorities should exert pressure on the producer in this field by increasing the tax of sugary products, this can decline the levels of production of drinks containing too much sugar. One particular example in France, the government has raised the tax in the production of soft drinks year-on-year, resulting in pushing up the price of soft drink items to restrict the demands of consumers. Second, state subsidies that should be invested to encourage their citizens can cut down using sugary drinks by informing some serious effects via newspapers or social media or organizing some health-related events in the universities or academic institutions.

In conclusion, the habits of young people's lifestyles and advertisements in order to maximize profits are two main reasons for using more and more soft drinks. But effectively mentioned measures need to be taken to tackle these problems.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,033 4249  
Jun 27, 2020   #2
you have to remember that you are not being scored on the length of your essay. So writing 379 words for a 40 minute task is useless. You should only be writing a reasonable number of words, between 275-290 words, to allow you to have ample time for editing and revising procedures during the actual test. The length of the essay will not dictate the final score, it will be your writing skills that will do that. By writing too many words, you are risking creating more errors in the presentation. Less words = less mistakes. Remember that. That is the best way to increase your scoring potential.

Your prompt paraphrase is totally off base. You are not properly paraphrasing the content of the original presentation and, you are deviating from the prompt by indicating an argument exists where the original only points to a discussion. You will definitely lose major points for changing the prompt topic from the original in such a bad manner.

The original discussion offers 2 direct questions. To properly format your prompt paraphrase, you must give a direct response to both questions. These direct responses shall be considered the overview or outline for your 2 reasoning paragraphs. You are not even trying to offer a proper response at this point. The format for your opening paragraph is completely incorrect. Your TA score will suffer because of it.

You are careless with your writing. You should know enough about English grammar rules at this point to know when and when not to use word capitalization. You are sloppy and will lose GRA points because of this lack of interest in presenting a properly formatted essay. You have presented several discussion points throughout the essay that are not properly developed. You are focusing on the wrong aspect of the presentation. You must focus on properly and clearly explaining the cause and solution in the essay. One cause, one solution. You do not need to present several under developed discussions as you did in this essay. You only need one fully developed explanation for the reason and solution. That is all that is required.

The undue focus on creating a lengthy essay, along with several spelling, clarity, conciseness, and vocabulary problems in your presentation, all of which could have been avoided had you concentrated on quality instead of quantity with your writing, are the main reasons that this essay will not achieve a passing score.

Avoid the use of memorized phrases and overused phrases such as "First and foremost". Try to show a more advanced vocabulary by using alternative terms such as "Primarily". Do not just use adjectives for the sake of using adjectives. Use an adjective to add clarity to your presentation (a great influence = an enormous influence).

Get out of the practice of writing long essays. Unless you are sure that you are not committing other errors that can lower your score considerably, it would be better to simply write less, or within the advised number of words, to avoid forced errors in your presentation.
HuongGiangNguyen 4 / 12  
Jun 27, 2020   #3
- You shouldn't capitalize words in the middle of the sentence unless they are proper names.
- You should split your sentences to make them easier to follow.
- You stated that economic development has led to unhealthy eating habits but you didn't show how it was the case in following sentences. Thus, I think you should remove economic development and focus on unhealthy eating habits leading to increased consumption of sugar-rich products.

- You need to moderate your second example in the first body paragraph so it would fully support your idea.
(people are exposing to advertisement everyday -> people increasingly want to drink high sugar drinks)
Sierra Jang 1 / 3 3  
Jun 27, 2020   #4
Your essay is quite nice with various technical terms.
However, there are some errors.

1. You should re-read if it is coherent in particular using signpost, for example, "for example" after "as a result" in BP1.
2. Be careful with unnecessary capital letter.
3. Choose appropriate and academic vocab ("too much" X, "But," no good for the beginning of sentences, "using X more and more soft drink").
4. Avoid repetition (e.g. reason)
5. Don't forget to add hedging words unless you put a relevant evidence (...to maximize profits are two main reasons for using...).
6. Grammar errors in complex long sentences (...When a nation's economy developed, this leads...).
6. Match word limit (250 words +-10%).

Good luck ;)
fatika3007 4 / 8 3  
Jul 1, 2020   #5
1.It might be better to state brief and clear explanation at the first introduction paragraph.
Give your reason about why people tend to consume more sugar based drink and also the solution, as to make the reader understand what you will discuss.

2.1 paragraph, 1 idea
3.Body paragraph 1 : too much word, and better if you give 1 example with well develop idea.
4.Conclusion : try to paraphrase the introduction paragaprah, give your reason and put your idea/opinion in end as to prevent from the repetition

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