The pie chart indicates the agricultural land becomes less productive which compared with the table features affected to the consequence of three regions of the worldwide during 1990s.In general,as we can see,the highest worlwide causes were over-grazing and region total causes were in Europe
In worlwide,the amount of over -grazing 35% was highest which where it is also placed in Oceania with the number of 11,3% and it was highest number among region causes before accounted by total.The second highest number was placed by deforestation which accounted 30% and it is nearly as same as in North America which is 20% after changed to be decimal fractions, which is merely different 10%.The third positions were in over-cultivation 28% of worlwide causes. if It will be compared with Ocean region degradation in order to, the value of between worldwide and region were far different remarkably ,30% and 0.
In summary,the result number between two comparances that do not completely fixed or steadily because,the total of region causes not accounted by overall
Hi Syukron,
I think I am getting tired of reminding people about picture or chart that should be uploaded along with the essay. I just want to directly give you my feedback related to your essay in the detailed descriptions below. I hope you can follow through.
Due to the high number of grammatical errors that you've made, I prefer to focus on your paragraph development. First thing first, try to read more IELTS task 1 samples. I believe that you can learn something from that samples. In some samples, it is clear that you are suggested to write in three paragraphs. It consists of introduction paragraph, the first body paragraph, and the second body paragraph.
Your paragraph is quite messy. You need to give at least one space (1 enter) for each paragraph that you make. This would help the reader to read and check your essay. However, no need to give opinion in this essay. It will be dangerous towards the final grade of your writing. I believe the words "less productive" comes out of nowhere. There is no information about that in the picture. You just need to say which one is the highest and which one is the lowest, as simple as that. If you take a closer look on the instruction, you will see "summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant"
Lastly, it is better to write only one overview rather than two overviews. You have stated in the beginning part of your essay "In general..." but why did you say "In summary.." in the last part of your essay? One of them has adequately covered the necessary points to reach a high score.
Hope this helps :)
i have some suggestions for your writings
... less productive which is compared with the table ...
... as we can see that the highest worlwide ...
... over -grazing 35% was the highest onewhich where it is also placed (...) and it was highest (repeating word) number among ...
you should attach your chart, so it will ease readers to understand your writing.
Hello!
Allow me to give you some suggestion.
1. Your task appearance is not good looking. Does not clear paragraphing.
The pie chart indicates ...
<SPACE>
In worlwide,the amount of ...
<SPACE>
In summary,the result ...
2.Typo
...can see,the highest worlwideworldwide causes were over-grazing and...
... in over-cultivation 28% of worlwideworldwide causes...
3. Punctuation
In general, as we cansee, the highest worlwide causes ...
Europe .
Kindly check you sentence structure, grammar, and punctuation as well.
Hope it helps you :)
Hi Syukron, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, I hope you find this website to be helpful and even more so valuable to your writing projects. We aim and strive to provide you with the most accurate and credible feedback in order to strengthen your essay.
Now, on this particular essay, as it is an analysis essay,it is advisable that you include the chart as this is the basis of the analysis, this is also the only way we can check if we provided you with the correct and credible feedback to enhance your analysis.
Furthermore, as I read through the essay, it seems like you are having a hard time in coming up with sensible sentences that,in this case, we don't have the chart to compare with. For your next post, I suggest you do a second draft, make sure to include the pie chart and create a more solid analysis.I hope to read the revision soon so we can polish it.
