Helloo there ...,
Let me give you my view towards this essay. For a start, I see that you attempt to start writing your first paragraph by introducing the issue. However, I dont see you state the thesis statement clearly although you have tried to paraphrase the prompt. Let me give you an example: The development of local shops is being stagnated since multinational supermarkets are growing faster and tend to negatively affect the local community. (background information) Therefore, it is agreed that since local markets cannot compete with giant supermarkets, this is more likely to rise the number of unemployment rates and drain a locality's economic. (thesis statement)
If you write for an IELTS essay, it is mandatory you need to show a fully-developed example as to support your claim in the body paragraph. Here you left the example.
In the paragraph 3, you need to add more detailed sentences as to discuss the issue in-depth. If you peruse such a paragraph more closely, then you will see how sentences to sentences are lost in coherence.
To each their own.
I am not sure what you are tying to say here. But for me, when it comes to the concluding paragraph, you need to use "a conclusion signal" to show you are about to end your essay.
Hope this helpsEddy Suaib, an IELTS teacher of English Studio - IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri, Indonesia