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Do you support or oppose building a powerful military?


Activelung 4 / 13 5  
Oct 27, 2016   #1
Building a military has been conceived as one of the most essential parts of countries because cities can be prevented from enemies attacking innocent civilians. Some people also believe building a military can reinforce security of their countries. People are always exposed to a variety of threats in different forms such as a murder case, activities of terrorism, and violent protests which can bring considerable chaos to their cities. In my perspective, if a military is to be built near my community, I will support their actions. A military can strengthen people's security. It will also transform one's country to be stronger.

First of all, securing one's safety is considered undeniably important among lots of people especially in large cities. Some of them may believe the police are not enough to accomplish the task. For example, if a violent protest is held in the middle of a city, lots of people can physically hurt others due to some political reasons. I'm fully aware that the police are mostly entrusted with the job to deal with all the aggressive protesters. In the worst-case scenario, however, we may expect the protesters to take control over a government by resorting to extreme violence; therefore, lots of people can be harmed or even decimated during the protest. Thus, I believe a military will be a perfect solution for such problems.

Secondly, a strong military is the most integral part of the strongest countries in the world. Powerful armies indirectly decide who takes more advantages than others do when it comes to negotiations between countries. Without strength, freedom would have never been achieved. The United States of America would not have been regarded as the most powerful country without its unrivaled military. Switzerland would not be able to remain neutral without its military as well.

In conclusion, more people have to support building a stronger military in order to secure their safety and protect innocent people from being attacked or terrorized. Armies might be seemingly good to many people but they need to be conscious of their possible threats. Overly powered armies can cause one's country to experience a coup someday. So there is nothing that is good or perfect for eternity. If something is used in the right way, no harms will be made.

Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Oct 28, 2016   #2
Rick, when you state your opinion in the introduction, do not say "I will...". Rather, indicate that "I support..." I will indicates that you are not yet, but will, in the future, support the stand presented. The essay asks you to take a stand and support it now, at present time. So your response should reflect that the decision you made is current and not something to be done in the future.

The reasons you presented shows that you practiced analytical thinking and developed a logical thought process as you developed the essay. There is a clear pattern of thought and presentation in the essay. Even though there are some grammatical errors that need to be addressed. These errors are so minor that they don't really affect the way you delivered the central message of the essay.

Good work on the conclusion. It was smooth and really summarized the essay bullet points in a relaxing and informative manner.
OP Activelung 4 / 13 5  
Oct 28, 2016   #3
Thank you again for feedback, Holt. I will be more careful with the introductory paragraph.
What grammatical errors would you like to be addressed/fixed in this essay?
I would be really appreciative if you let me know some of them.
Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Oct 28, 2016   #4
The grammatical errors lie mostly in sentence structure and development. The way development of the sentence is not as solid as it can be because of the confusion in tense usage and similar issues. It will be difficult for me to actually present the errors in the essay because of the numerous errors within. However a can show you an example of an improved paragraph that you can use to assess the other paragraphs that need improvement. This is a revision of paragraph 2:

Securing a country requires the building of a powerful military force. While the police force is expected to defend the large cities within the country, the department is not fully equipped to deal with defending the country when an invasion occurs. While the police can handle a protest within city limits, they will not be capable of defending the city is say, ISIS decides to invade their country from all sides of their borders. Such extreme violence requires more highly trained and skilled defenders who use specialized defense equipment to keep invaders at bay. In such instances, only the military force of any given country would have the ability to defend their country and its borders effectively.


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