I'm taking the GRE writting test（I'm in China, we take seperate tests） this month and here is one of the issues I wrote. Please help me to check this issue.
Here is the topic
"The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, but the general welfare of all its people."
How to evaluate the greatness of a nation is a complex issue ever since the building of the first country in the world. In the statement above, the speaker asserts that the surest indicator of a great nation is none other than the general welfare of all its people. Some people believe in this assertion as the welfare of common people is one of the most important things in their life while others hold a different view, claiming that there are other issues that can also evaluate the country's greatness.
I concede that the speaker is on the right philosophical side of this issue. After all, the welfare of common people are indeed one of the factors that can reflect the country's greatness. The first reason that support the speaker's assertion is that a good welfare of people can result in a peaceful society which can do good to the country's development. Dating back to the Warring State period in China, an world-famous ideologist, Master Meng, pointed out that the most important thing for an empire to do is to ensure the welfare received by his people. The people, he wrote, was one of the most important factors that affcect the country's stability as it was his people that supported his dynasty while also paid taxes for him and even fought for him once the country was involved in the warfare. Therefore one of the most powerful king of the Warring State Dynasty, the King of Yue, spend ten years to establish a sound foundation of the welfare system in his kingdom. Without the supporting of its people, the revenge carried out by the King of Yue could not be so successful that led him become one of the most powerful king in the Warring State period.
Another issue that support the speaker's assertion is that the welfare can reflect the country's power as a good welfare system requires a fine financial income, leading to the conclusion that only a powerful country--- at least for economy factors --- can support this welfare system. Considering the saying carried out by Carrel Max "the foundation of economy determines the upper architecture" , we have to notice the fact that the country with a fine welfare system would possess a thriving economy, just as many European countries and North American countries. Therefore a conclusion can be drawn: the greatness of a country can be drawn from the welfare system because it is the foundation of economy that supports the welfare system.
Though the speaker's assertion is tempting to believe, it has to be pointed out that the speaker unnecessarily extend his or her statement to embrace broader aspects while ignoring the reason why these situations special. Indeed, the fine welfare system can reflect the country's greatness, yet this kind of belief may be broken by the hard reality as the global economy crises busted out. Under the condition that trades may corrupt and the foundation of financial may be affected, it is unwise to associate a fine welfare system with a powerful country. Take Switzerland for example, the good welfare system the country possess also leads to problems such as high tax-rate as well as low working-rate. Moreover, the high welfare system shut down people's willingness to work since these kinds of systems are usually supported by heavy tax burden. As a result, the greatness of a country can not be evaluated by the welfare system under such conditions.
Another point that undermines the speaker's assertion is that the founding of a fine welfare system may influence the money spent in other aspects such as military forces and sicentific researches supported by the government. In fact, the cutting down of money spent on limitary forces can lead to the decrease of safety for the country while increase the possibility that the country may be invaded. What's more, the limitation of money spent on scientific research may dis-accelerate the process of the country's scientific development; finally result in the decrease of the country's power. None of the situations mentioned above can be associated with the greatness of a country.
In sum, the speaker's assertion that the surest indicator of a great nation is the general welfare of all its people begs the question. Sure enough, the speaker does point out some facts about the evaluation of a country, yet the speaker overlooks some facts that can also involve the assessment of the country. In the final analysis, the general welfare of all its people is indeed one of the surest indicators of a great nation, yet there are some other factors like the general education leve and the country's scientific development should also taken into consideration once evaluating a country.
I think you should add one more sentence to that first paragraph. After telling the 2 different opinions, you should give the conclusion you draw while comparing them... the main idea of the essay. This is your thesis sentence.
I see that the last sentence of the whole essay would be a good thesis sentence. It tells your main idea, the conclusion of the whole essay.
Another point that undermines the speaker's assertion is that the founding of a fine welfare system may influence the money spent in other aspects if society, such as military forces and scientific research. supported by the government.
:-)
