Here is my view to finalize your writing. Meet them and tackle. Check it out.
The survey was obtained in 2003 and in 2013
You cannot say that it is as a survey because there is a note that all information are got from the survey. Be careful of determination wrong. Actually, you can write like this below.
THOSE ARE OBTAINED FROM CIRCUMSTANCES IN TWO DISTINCT YEARS; 2003 AND 2013.
only one part had more than a-third of total proportion
Avoid mentioning the percentage in the overview. It is going to seem as detailed information.
This below is the offering overview.
OVERALL, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT THE MOST SIGNIFICANT IN THE ONLINE SALES WAS REVEALED BY THE SECTOR OF FILM AND MUSIC. IN ANY CASE, WHILE THE PERCENTAGES OF BOTH BOOKS AND THE FILM SALES EXPERIENCED A SUBSTANTIAL INCREASE, THE OTHER SECTORS DECLINED MARKEDLY.
A closer look at your body paragraph reveals that you failed to get all prompts. Keep in your mind that your job in the writing task 1 is to compare the figures, not listing the data. You managed the data safely. Actually, you have to group the data to be guided to comparisons. These below are the examples.
INITIALLY, THE FIGURE OF THE TRAVEL SUCCESSFULLY COMMANDED THIS CIRCUMSTANCE, REPRESENTING MORE THAN A THIRD OF THE TOTAL. MEANWHILE, A RECORD AS THE LOWEST PROPORTION WAS BROKEN BY THE SECTOR OF THE BOOKS WHEREAS IT STATED VIRTUALLY A FIFTH OF ALL SELLING.Hopefully, it can help you to enhance your ability.