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[task 1]Surveys conducted in 1982 and 2002 show what motivate students to choose a school in the UK

LadyOfClockwork 25 / 79 20  
Jul 20, 2017   #1
Surveys conducted in 1982 and 2002 show different pictures of what motivate students to choose a college or university in the U.K.
Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

decisive factors for schools choice

The pie charts shed light on six factors that encouraged British students to choose a college or university in 1985 and 2002. Overall, in 2002, they placed a much higher premium on amenities, social activities and facilities and reputation of the institution. Costs, however, came to be of little importance. As to the rest, there was only minimal change over the 17 year period.

The share of respondents who took into account reputation of the institution was 25% in 2002, five times higher than that in 1982. The factor of amenities, social activities and facilities followed a similar pattern, with 18% of respondents valuing it in 2002, up 13% from 1982. In terms of costs, only a small fraction (5%) of respondents weighed the factor before making their choices, while the proportion was 28% in 1982.

The factor of suitable courses and degrees remained most influential in 2002, though the share of respondents took it into consideration diminished by 6% as compared with 40% in 1982. Closeness to parental home was an attractive advantage to 16% of respondents, a moderate decline of 3% from 1982. Admission criteria mattered least in both years, as the factor was considered by just 3% of respondents in 1982 and 2% in 2002.

I would be more appreciate it if you score my essay.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,972 2694  
Jul 20, 2017   #2
Gang, I believe that this essay can score a 5 in an actual setting. The basis for the scoring is based upon the manner by which you present the information. You use terms such as "five times higher" without giving the actual value in percentage of the increase based upon the pie charts information. Be cognizant of the fact that when you are presented with two images, you are to summarize the essay in a compare and contrast format. That is because you need to make accurate representations of the images. Do not use parenthesis to indicate values because the values are the actual purpose of the summary analysis. By placing it in a parenthesis, you remove the importance of the value and thus, weaken the sentence topic development for that paragraph. Your body paragraphs are good and it shows that you have done your best to represent the figures for discussion in the best manner possible. However, I do not see any summary overview analysis in the essay. That could be placed at the beginning or at the end of the essay. It is really of a personal choice but it must be represented in this essay. A sample summary overview of the essay (at the beginning) could have been written as:

A study was conducted comparing the factors that influence student choices. The years chosen for the comparative analysis were 1982 and 2002. The following essay will summarize the important information and make comparisons where necessary.

I always opt to place the summary analysis as the opening paragraph of the essay because it creates a topic discussion outline that also helps the test-taker keep track of the information necessary for an accurate summary discussion of the images provided. Of course, this could have also been placed at the end as:

The comparative study showed a number of similarities even though there were decades between the student who were assessed. It can be concluded that very little to no changes take place when it comes to the motivating factors that influence a student's decision to choose a school. Therefore, the trend of student choices does not change over time.
OP LadyOfClockwork 25 / 79 20  
Jul 20, 2017   #3
Many thanks. I will improve my writing based on your advice!
Allentseng 1 / 1 2  
Jul 20, 2017   #4

You utilizes a variety of words which interprets the overall survey very well. Like "shed light on" and "weighed the factor."
Also, all factors regarding the motivation were included in the article.
For better understanding to the readers, I made some correction as following.
1. Article structure:
You could put your overview or insight on the second paragraph that readers can easily understand the main differences between two charts.
2. 198"5" in the first graph should corrected to 1982
3. As "for" the rest: if you are going to emphasize the opposite factors, you should use "for " instead of "to" which emphasizes the next action or move.

4. In the middle section, "up" 13% from 1982. It would be better to use "rose" which is the past tense of rise meaning it how much it has risen.

As for the score, I'd like to evaluate in 4 sections, a.) Task achievement b.)Coherence and cohesion c.) Lexical resource d.) Grammatical range and vocabulary

a.) There is an overview though accurate information should be placed. -> 6
b.) Due to limited paragraphing and some errors of linking words, it will be 5.
c.) Adequately utilizes a variety of words that express the ideas clearly. -> 6
d.) Complex sentences are used frequently but with some errors. -> 6

So, it would be 6 based on my evaluation.

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