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Sustainable development, urbanization in the cities

ieltswriting 1 / 2  
Feb 21, 2020   #1

disadvantages of rapid urbanisation

These days, people from urban areas come to the city to look for a better life. However, the drawbacks of urbanisation is a major problem in many cities. Explain some of the problems caused by urbanisation. How can governments make urban life better for everyone?

Urbanisation, which is a deep-seated problem in our society these days, is thought to be detrimental to the majority of the population. It lowers life quality in urban areas and raises crime rate. The essay below attempts to elaborate on the drawbacks of urbanisation and proposes some resolutions to it.

Cities are highly vulnerable under the effect of urbanisation. More than often, this phenomena creates overcrowding and lack of sanitation, leading to diseases outbreak. At the same time, urbanisation potentially triggers the shortage in utilities in utilities, such as water, electricity and sewage disposal. Another down side of this problem is the constantly rising crime rates. Unfortunately, a high proportion of immigrants into urban areas are forced to reside in slums, which are not owned by them. Meanwhile, slums are widely regarded as the breeding ground for criminal activities. Maintenance of law and order, therefore, becomes more difficult.

To achieve the goal of sustainable development, the government needs to put the crisis of urbanisation on its agenda and come up with practical resolutions. To combat the lack of utilities, those with higher power should create more private and public partnerships and provide waste; water and housing disposal for residents. At the same time, they should also enforce the widespread of education so that it can reach even slum residents. With proper training and housing development, both life quality and order maintenance shall be heightened.

In conclusion, urbanisation is definitely not something for society to overlook, and it generally takes elaborative steps to approach its disadvantages.
Camilllla 1 / 3  
Feb 21, 2020   #2
I think you have some grammar mistakes:
down side => downside
enforce the widespread of
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,280 3982  
Feb 22, 2020   #3
There are two problem areas in your essay. The prompt paraphrase is incorrect and the second paragraph does not clearly explain itself. Hence, these will be the two areas that my review will focus on.

In your paraphrase, you did not include a paraphrase of the sentence topic in the essay which is " These days, people from urban areas come to the city to look for a better life. " Without the paraphrase of that sentence, the presentation you used took on an alternative discussion slant to a small degree. The rest of your paraphrase is alright and stays within the remaining paraphrase requirements. So the first sentence should have been included by kicking off your paraphrase with the following:

The promise of a better life has enticed residents of metropolitan areas to move to intraurban locations...

Keep your paragraphs within 5 sentences. Do not try to discuss too many topics in your paragraphs so that what happens is that you just keep giving reasons, without adding supporting examples to justify your claims. It is more important to present 2 justified claims than 3 mentioned reasons. You will score better in the C&C section if you better explain your reasons by using proper sentence transitions within the 5 sentence maximum. You need only 2 related reasons in one paragraph which is connected by the transition sentence. For example you could have said:

... The results of these problems can be seen in the rise in urban crime rate. Then you could have proceeded to mention the crime problem.

The second body paragraphs lack subjects in the way the sentence is presented. The possible solution is presented, but the reason why suggestions such as these will work is not there. Therefore, the essay does not contain a clear discussion.

The conclusion is only a single sentence, It does not follow the minimum 3 sentence requirement. That happened because you did not do the reverse paraphrase as required by these Task 2 essays. Next time, increase the sentences in the conclusion so that you can also raise your word count in relation to the scoring criteria.
OP ieltswriting 1 / 2  
Feb 22, 2020   #4
Thank you for your feedback

If you do not mind, could you recommend me some sort of books/documents that helps me avoid mistakes in academic writing and helps me become a better writer ?
serbinax 7 / 19 7  
Feb 22, 2020   #5
Some grammar mistakes:

Phenomenon is a singular noun, while phenomena is its plural form. So, you can either say "this phenomenon creates" or "these phenomena create".
You also wrote "urbanisation potentially triggers" which is an incorrectly used collocation.
You mistakenly wrote "in utilities" two times.
"A high proportion of immigrants are forced to reside" should be "A high proportion of immigrants is forced to reside", because the subject here is "a high proportion", not "immigrants".

There is an incorrect punctuation usage (semicolon) in "waste; water and housing disposal". Also, "housing disposal" is not a synonym for "sewage disposal" if that is what you meant.

"enforce the widespread of education" is an incorrectly used allocation.
"elaborative steps" is an incorrect collocation.
The definition of "elaborative" is something that provides additional details or information. "Elaborate" is something containing a lot of careful detail or many detailed parts.
OP ieltswriting 1 / 2  
Feb 24, 2020   #6
Thank you for the feedback
Feb 25, 2020   #7
You should include in your introduction a parphrase of this opening sentence. "These days, people ..."

2nd paragraph topic sentence include, "More than often, ..., leading to diseases outbreak."
This was not logically supported with examples especially the "disease outbreak".

"With proper training and housing ..." - The sentence could be paraphrased so that it won't sound ambigous.

Overall, I believe you had strong points of discussion in this write-up.

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