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'tackle complicated problmes'; Students with organized rooms are more succesful

qier 1 / -  
Nov 8, 2011   #1
I just started study toefl,and i know my essay is really really bad,i will appreciate if you can help me point out and correct my error ,thank you!

the essay's topic is Students who can keep their own rooms organized are more likely to succeed

Contemporarly,,a fair proportion of people don't care whether their rooms are organized will not affect their being success,why they thinks so are because it's wasting time and energy,just personal living habit or they only care for something more important.however,I still believe that one person who can keep his room organized are more likely to succeed,,because it can make people more effective,build up a better impression and more likely to tackle complicated problems.

First of all,keep rooms organized can make people more effective.for example,when he go to a interview and need to find a white shirt,he can look for his closet directly where all his shirts were put here,so he can accomplishment this task in a moment. Just because his things are in ordered so he can find anything he want within a very short time.but if his things are not organized,maybe he need to find every corner of his apartment for one thing but still can't find it.so keep his room organized makes him more effective.

Another advantage keep rooms organized is it can build up good impression to other people.at the weekend, friends and colleugues are often come to his place to have a talk or watching tv together.if his apartment is organized,his friends will feel very comfortable and have a impression that he is very independent and industry.but if his apartment is in a mess,what would others think of him? So a tidy and ordered room can help his acquire a better impression,people often care of details.

The most benefit of one keeping his rooms organized is that it makes him more likely to tackle complicated problems.for instance,when he face to a very complicated problem,he can break it into many small parts then classify this little things just like he classify his closet,it will make things much different,he only need to tackle small problems,then what matters is only time.and when he get used to keep everything organized, he will be logical so when facing something that can't figure out temporary,he won't be panic,because he know what should he do step by step.then the problem will be solved spontaneously.

Having all these qualities he will have more chance to be success than who doesn't.

stellastella 18 / 25  
Nov 8, 2011   #2
If you are practicing for TOEFL exam you have to indicate your paragraph by phrases like To begin with , What is more, Finally and To sum up.

Also, you have to avoid using contaction in academic writing. it's wasting time --> It is wasting time

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