Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

Should we take action at once? 'patience have great range influence in our life'


Mabel Ye 1 / 2  
Sep 12, 2014   #1
THANK YOU!!
Q: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: patient is usually not a good thing, we should take action at once.

Nowadays, a popular notion goes like that: just do it, there's nothing to be worry. Therefore, a lot of people just take action without consideration. However, this kind of view obviously wrong. I do believe that patient is a good thing, it would always help us to make a good decision when encounter problems.

First, patient can help us clarify our's situation and make us have a correct decision. We need patient when we encounter something like: buying product, decision of going universitiy, job opportunities, and etc. For patient can us relief us worries, so that we have clear mind to make a decision. Take my experience for example, one time, a beautiful advance technology watch was come to the market, I was very liked this watch but the price was to high. When I was about to brought product, one of my friend told me that this product would be fall price in next month, just be patient, and you would have a reasonable price to brought this watch. I took my friend's advice, finally I got my favorite watch with a good price. What if I did not have enough patient to wait the price come down and buy the watch? May be I would be annoy myself.

Also, patient do a grate good in commercial trade, such as negotiations, conferences, and product trading. A person who have the quality of patient can only be a negotiator. During a commercial negotiation, people who are required have patient to control the circumstance, and consequently help their company to gain immense benefit. Therefore, Patient would be of vital importance in companies negotiation because of it would not only make negotiators clam down to analyze analyze their situations, but also help them to come up with the methods of negotiation.

To sum up, patient have grate range influence in our life, from personal to national, which deserve us to play more attention when face important, difficult situations.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 12, 2014   #2
Mabel, you need to improve your grammar usage. Your lack of understanding of how to use various words in English affected the overall essence of your essay. Also, the examples that you used to support your stand is too shallow to be considered a serious academic point of view. However, if you wish to use the experiences you wrote, then it needs to be cleaned up grammar-wise and also expanded in discussion. Let me offer you some revision advice:

Nowadays, a popular notion goes like that: just do it, there's nothing to be worry. Therefore, a lot of (...)

- Even though you know what the prompt is, you still need to state it in your own way in the introduction paragraph. It is only after you do that that you can proceed to the other parts of your introduction.

- Some people say that patience is a good thing in life. It is a popular notion that helps people to not worry about certain things in their lives. But then there are some people who lack patience and just go for what they want or need the minute they get the urge to do so. They don't believe that patience is worth considering in the fast paced lifestyle of the 21st century. I believe that the latter kind of people are wrong. Patience does have it virtues as the old saying goes and I intend to fully explain why.

First, patient can help us clarify our's situation and make us [...] May be I would be annoy myself.

- Mabel, you need to look up the meaning and difference of the words patience and patient. The word for this essay is patience, not patient. being patient is different from having patience. In the essence of this essay, the word to use throughout is patience.

- The topic sentence for this paragraph needs to be strengthened. You can do that by choosing a better example other than you wanting to buy a watch at half price. Consider a world point of view such as the end of apartheid in Africa, or the Equal Rights Amendment, Those were the result of patience. That is a more academic example for discussion.

Also, patient do a grate good in commercial trade, such as [...] them to come up with the methods of negotiation.

- This is a good example. But you need to polish the way you said it. Also, note the way patient and patience are used in the sentences. Refer below.

-Patience is a businessman's virtue. A businessman knows how to patient in order to get what he wants because of the negotiations, conferences, and trading that he needs to do with his business partners. A patient person, is a qualified negotiator. That is why businessmen who have a tremendous amount of patience get the deal signed.

To sum up, patient have grate range influence in our life, from personal to ...

- Revise your conclusion. It lacks the required components of a restated thesis, summary of information, and a closing sentence.

I hope my advice can help serve as your guide in revising your essay :-)
OP Mabel Ye 1 / 2  
Sep 13, 2014   #3
Dear Louisa:

Thank you for your feedback, it's very helpful. I was trying to use the example you gave like the end of apartheid in Africa, the Equal Rights Amendment, but l was failed. Because l lack of this kind of knowledge. I was search the internet to know this kind of information.But I don't know how to use English to organize this info to become an example. Would you be nice to give me some more brief info about this events so that I can accumulate this knowledge?
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 13, 2014   #4
Mabel, I can really see that you are trying your best to improve your essay. So please allow me to help you with your sentence structure and some ideas that can help shape the essay :-) I will quote a portion of the original text and then provide my comments in green and my suggested sentence structure is in blue.

It is truth universally acknowledged that, patient is a great character of human beings...

- It is a universally accepted fact that patience is one of the greatest characteristics of a human being. This has been a virtue that has helped the human race evolve as a society and has helped bring peace to many a warring nations. But in the frenzied lifestyle of the 21st century, the patience of human beings has begun to wane. These days, people have become impatient and require immediate action to any problem that exists. They no longer believe that patience pays off because it takes too long to get results. While immediate action has its benefits, the results of patient actions are usually more long term. That is why I believe that patience has a greater influence in our lives.

- You need to create an informative hook for topics such as these in order to entice your readers. Note how I gave some information about patience and immediate action in comparison before I gave my opinion. Did you find yourself becoming more interested in reading more about what I have to say? That is the purpose of the introduction and your thesis statement.

First, patience is an essential ingredient of a businessman. A qualified negotiator who must have patience...

- While looking for an example of the long term effects of patience in human beings, only one vivid example came to mind, the businessman. He is a professional negotiator whose patience is quite long. He deals with discord and varying points of view all the time while trying to close a business deal. His patience allows him to successfully analyze the situation and collaborate with his partners regarding successful conclusions. These all happen over a period of months or years. When everyone patiently waits for the positive results of the negotiations, the results are usually quite satisfying and long term (such as long term leases or business partnerships) in result.

- You always need to develop your paragraph / statement ideas in such a way that you constantly provide new information to the reader. You should also present evidence that will have the viewer think about the logic or acceptability of your point of view.

Most people view anything scientific as a boring example for a discussion. This is where you could use Apartheid as an example. Apartheid was the segregation of Whites from Blacks in South Africa, when it was still a Dutch influenced country. The South Africans, through the leadership of Nelson Mandela tried to enact peaceful protests in order to win equal rights for the black South Africans. Nelson Mandela and his supporters wanted the Apartheid laws to be changed and they did that through a change in the law. It took them decades but they were finally able to enact legislative change for their country, with long term equal rights results. Try to work this information into your essay. Do not use the science explanation.

To sum up, although taking action at once enable people to seize opportunities, by considering the influence on the fields of business and scientific researches, patience indeed have grate influence in our life. Being patient at most of time would be better.

- Since I helped you out with the examples, you need to revise your concluding paragraph :-)
OP Mabel Ye 1 / 2  
Sep 14, 2014   #5
Thank you for your helping. Your writing skill level is very high, but my writing skill too poor to catch up with you. And the structure you wrote is to prefect that I cannot work out. And I don't know how to improve my structure. I hope you can help me to revise my sentences and vocabularies.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 15, 2014   #6
Mabel, don't worry. You will get to my level of writing through constant practice. So don't stop writing essays and more importantly, don't stop reading materials in English. Look up word meanings in a dictionary and encyclopedia if you have to. Don't quit. We are here to make sure that you get all the moral support and help that you need in achieving your goal. I know it looks difficult for you at the moment. But you will overcome the obstacles with perseverance and assistance :-) So keep those essays coming. We will make sure to help you reach a level of essay writing that you will be comfortable with in the future.

I suggest that you try to do this now. Read the way I wrote the corrections for your essay. Then try to revise your essay again. Base your new version upon the corrections and suggestions that I made. Try to spot the differences between the two papers and then note it. When you write another essay, look up the notes you wrote about the first one so that you will know what to avoid and what to add in the new essay. That should help you develop the confidence that you need to improve your essay writing skills. The new paper will show your development as a writer for sure regardless of how little the progress is :-)


Home / Writing Feedback / Should we take action at once? 'patience have great range influence in our life'