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IELTS TASK2:who should take care of the elderly,family or professionals?


gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Jun 25, 2013   #1
Again, I would like to seek your help in assessing my essay.Thank you for the endless support.Cheers!

TASK:It is better for elderly people to live in special places and look after by professional people more than live with noisy and young members in their own families. To what extend do you agree or disagree with the statement".

In modern times, matters like family relations have been considered to be one of our top priorities. At a certain point, one has to make a decision on who should take care of the elderly. Would it be preferable to avail the services of professionals or should they stay at home with their families as traditionally practised?

For one, most of the concerns of old people are properly attended under the supervision of skilled and experienced individuals. Moreover, elderly staying at special homes will not feel lonely and left out because they will surely meet others, who have common interests, in that place. However, on the downside they might feel abandoned by their own family. This practice is commonly seen in business-oriented countries such as Singapore. They have depended much on the provision of home for the aged facilities and caregiver professionals. Although they are expensive, these facilities have been highly utilized because of the convenience they have provided through their services.

In culture-oriented countries like Philippines, younger generations are morally bound to look after the old as they become mature persons. Many are against this practice for the fact that in most cases young and innocent members of the family have been assigned the task of taking care of the elderly. The noisy atmosphere brought about by teenagers and toddlers could also lead to restlessness. But despite these negative impacts, majority still prefer to be taken care of their family because they feel special about it. Presence of comfort and happiness is felt much around the people you love.

As shown above, both ideas have good and bad points to influence a decision. In today's busy life, I believe that it is better to seek the services of a professional. There is greater assurance that the elderly people are more safe and secure in the hands of expert individuals.
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jun 25, 2013   #2
The good news is that you have some elements of a strong essay here. The not-so-good news is that it isn't arranged in an optimal way.

most of the concerns of old people are properly attended under the supervision of skilled and experienced individuals.

This should be your thesis (which belongs in your introduction paragraph).

Each body paragraph would discuss a different "concern" that is best addressed by professionals.

Here are some hypothetical subjects for body paragraphs:

COMPANIONSHIP
CONVENIENCE
SAFETY

The intro and conclusion you've provided here do little more than take up space.
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jun 25, 2013   #3
The good news is that you have some elements of a strong essay here. The not-so-good news is that it isn't arranged in an optimal way

I could not edit my above post. For whatever reason, the forum doesn't give much time to do so.

What I meant above is this:

The good news is that you have some elements of a strong essay here. The not-so-good news is that THEY AREN'T arranged in an optimal way.

I'd hate to give you essay advice that models poor grammar.

One more thing about your essay...

It's usually safer to take ONE primary stand on essays like this. (You either agree or disagree.) If you wish to qualify your response, you'll need more than the two body paragraphs you have here.
OP gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Jun 26, 2013   #4
The good news is that you have some elements of a strong essay here. The not-so-good news is that THEY AREN'T arranged in an optimal way.

Receiving this compliment from a renowned forumer like you made me the most proud student here..thanks..
tell you what, I will be revising this essay with the keypoints you advised...many thanks John


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