The good news is that you have some elements of a strong essay here. The not-so-good news is that it isn't arranged in an optimal way
I could not edit my above post. For whatever reason, the forum doesn't give much time to do so.
What I meant above is this:
The good news is that you have some elements of a strong essay here. The not-so-good news is that THEY AREN'T arranged in an optimal way.
I'd hate to give you essay advice that models poor grammar.
One more thing about your essay...It's usually safer to take ONE primary stand on essays like this. (You either agree or disagree.) If you wish to qualify your response, you'll need more than the two body paragraphs you have here.