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take up the endangered animals' habitat - toefl essay

Lapland 1 / 1  
Oct 27, 2009   #1
I am preparing the tf test and i am not confident about my writing. i hope you can help me improve my writing skills. i am trying more. thank you a lot!

i hope you can give me the score :0~6 and give me some comment .

do you agree or disagree :some people think we should take up the endangered animals' habitat to open factories ,build houses or to farm.

Today, gathering numbers of factories ,buildings and farming plants are pouring into the habitat
of endangered animals .some people who witness the phenomenon say it is ok ,it can contribute to the development of local economy ,however ,most of people,including me ,can not agree with the cruel action .These actions have a great effect on the animals . there are several reasons and arguments to support my idea.here, i intend to explain couple of reasons .

First of all ,the direct effect is the shrinking lands . As we know, lands are needed for building factories ,houses, flats ,and of course the farming.we have to take up the habitat for these constructions. As a result,the lands which are available to the threatened animals are reducing ,so animals can not live or feed on their home land . According to the survey conducted by the Yingming Data, a famous international statistic organization.,the global habitats are decreasing at a average of 20.34% per year ,and almost 100% of the habitats are replaced by factories ,buildings,and farmland. and the number in developing countries is much more bigger , it has rushed into approximately 45.3% in 2008.So, it has a great effect on the threatened animals ,for animals can not live without land .

Furthermore ,the living environment for the threatened animals is no longer that nice . Not only did the factories produce garbage,but the dirty ,poisonous water ,especially,for the gas-sulfur dioxide

.as we know ,fossil fuels are essential to the factories because it is the most important sources of energy. The burning of these fossil increased amount of sulfur in the atmosphere ,which will contribute to the producing of fulfur dioxide , however ,when fulfur dioxide mix with water vapor or rain,acid rain comes out . It is the acid rain that pollute the water and threaten animals healthy.On one hand,chemical fertilizer is critical to the growth of farmingplant ,on the other hand , it brings a disastrous pollute to the water threatened animals drink. According to a survey ,approximately 20.3% threatened animals are dead from drinking polluted water a year .So,the changing environment has done a tremendous effect on the animals living in the habitats.

We can not deny that factories ,buildings and farming plant in the habitat can increase local economy.However,besides building factories in habitats ,we can develop the habitats as tourist industries instead ,and it can increase the local economy without pollution and the sacrifice of threatened animals 's home .

From what has been discussed above ,it would be reasonable to believe that occupying threatened animals' habitats for opening factories ,building house and increasing farming land would bring more damage instead of benefits to the endangered animals , local environment and long term economy.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 28, 2009   #2
Start by fixing up the punctuation. Note that the space comes *after* most punctuation marks, rather than before. The messed up punctuation you have at the moment is too distracting, so revise that first, then repost.
OP Lapland 1 / 1  
Oct 28, 2009   #3
tanks for commending my essay .can u illustrate some of my punctuation error sentence ,then correct it ? i knew it brings mang trouble to u ,but i wish you could help me .thanks
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 29, 2009   #4
Thanks for commending [this isn't the right word at all, btw] my essay. Canyou illustrate and correct some of my punctuation errors?sentence ,then correct it ?I kno w it causes much trouble for you, but I hope you will help me. Thanks

Space your punctuation the way I do in my posts. That will get you started.
brood910 5 / 14  
Oct 29, 2009   #5
I think you should read a lot of articles in English.
That way, you can learn not only how to punctuate, but also how to structure your paragraphs.

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