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Talented people are better off working overseas IELTS writing task 2

PeterBrown 16 / 25 6  
Dec 25, 2017   #1
More and more qualified people are moving from poor to rich countries to fill vacancies in specialist areas like engineering, computing and medicine.
Some people believe that by encouraging the movement of such people, rich countries are stealing from poor countries. Others feel that this is only part of the natural movement of workers around the world.

Do you agree or disagree?

skilled workers going abroad

Nowadays, competent individuals from the developing world prefer to work overseas due to the fact that it is simpler and more lucrative to work in the developed world. One community thinks that the developing world is losing capable individuals because of the developed world; Another community asserts that this is life, and it is just how the world works. I strongly support the latter community and will discuss the reasons behind this support.

First of all, while it is true that the developing countries are losing useful individuals to the developed countries, it is also true that these talented individuals will no longer be taken for granted, which is crucial to the world as a whole. If these people contribute to the society, they will be rewarded accordingly. This is, however, most likely not the case if they worked in growing countries. For example, Mary - one of my colleagues - went through many ups and downs throughout her career in her country, but at the end she received the same rewards as those put less efforts into their works, which was extremely demotivating as she felt being treated unfairly.

Apart from the poor treatment of capable identities, these countries tend to value intelligent individuals less than their counterparts, motivating their competent employees to move overseas. Eventually, the poorer countries will learn to appreciate and retain their citizens; however, this will not happen any time soon because of corruption. To illustrate, although a long time ago in my home country, many bright people were forced to leave the country due to inequity and corruption, now they are encouraged to return to my country by offering monetary incentives.

In conclusion, people who come from developing countries usually experience inequity in the workplace, and they also are not so precious to these countries. This explains why they abandon their own country for richer ones. To reiterate, I completely agree with the second community believing that it is normal for employees to work elsewhere.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,594 3760  
Dec 26, 2017   #2
Peter, the first mistake in your essay is that you opened the paraphrase with an opinion statement rather than a simple retelling of the original prompt. As such, you have displayed that you unable to follow the proper format for the opening paraphrase. The format being one of a simple restatement of the topic for discussion, information regarding the discussion, and a restatement of the discussion instruction. The most basic rule for the opening statement is this:

No discussion of actual information can be presented in the opening paraphrase because of the required information in that section. There is no space to accurately explain the data you will be presenting because there is a 5 sentence maximum per paragraph, including the opening paraphrase. These sentences should represent a prompt restatement and not a discussion of the prompt thesis.

Therefore you can expect to lose major scoring points in the TA section of the essay, which is 50% of your actual score. As for your statement thesis, since this is not an "extent" essay, you went overboard by stating a "strong" agreement when a simple agreement was all that was required in the presentation as per the original prompt instructions. You must learn the difference between the different discussion requirements of the Task 2 essays. Always deliver the type of discussion required. Do not exaggerate, do not change the prompt either. Just stick to the basic instructions provided.

Always aim to write a 5 paragraph essay as the Task 2 essays always fall under that requirement. Only the Task 1 essay can gain you an effective score with only 4 paragraphs. Task 2 has specific paragraph discussion requirements of one opening paraphrase, 3 body of discussions / reasons / opinion (with examples), and one concluding summary. 5 paragraphs with 20 sentences in total (5 sentences per paragraph). You under developed all of your discussions in the process of presenting only 4 paragraphs. In fact, I found most of your paragraphs confusing and difficult to follow. That is because you did not clarify the opinion you will be discussing and why you will be discussing in the body paragraphs as part of the thesis statement. A more appropriate format for the body of discussions would have been as follows:

Paragraph 2 : Why you agree that people leave the country to work overseas
Paragraph 3: Why you agree that this is just a natural process
Paragraph 4: An expanded discussion of the experience of your friend

By separating the topics for discussion as stated in the outline, you will be able to fully explain yourself (in paragraph form), represent all of the required discussion elements, and also showcase your ability to write coherently and cohesively in English. Right now, the essay is just a tad bit confusing to read for a native speaker such as I.
OP PeterBrown 16 / 25 6  
Dec 27, 2017   #3
Hi Holt, how about my sentence structure?, i tried to incorporate different types of sentence structures into my essay and paid extra attention on my punctuation. Am I doing a good job on that?. For example, One community thinks that the developing world is losing capable individuals because of the developed world; Another community asserts that this is life, and it is just how the world works.

Thanks in advance
MrsOng 2 / 3  
Jan 6, 2018   #4
- When it comes to example, I think you should not choose a personal one because it will be less convincing.
- In the conclusion, you should summarize your two previous arguments. Do not add another argument without coherently supporting.

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