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IELTS;Talents with which people are born or practice is more beneficial.


talwinder 2 / 5 1  
Jul 22, 2013   #1
Hello everybody
I am Talwinder
I am preparing for IELTS
so please give me feedback about my writing that how can I improve it to get good scores.

Topic: "It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or a musician."

Talent is a quality which influences our personality.Some people says that talent is a God gift and God gives it to very special and lucky people.Where-as the second way to become a successful person is hard work and practice.In my personal perspective,I believe that Hard work,will and motivation is a better way to be a good sports man or a musician.

First of all, hard work is a key to hols success. We think that some people are more talented and that is why they are very successful in their life but the fact is that we do not know about their hard word and sacrifices behind their success.For instance the most successful athlete from India till date named as "Milkha Singh", he won 77 races out of 80 throughout his career moreover he broke the world record of 400 meters and everybody knows these records but nobody knows that he used to practice very hard and do not stops running till blood comes out from his mouth.Therefore everything is possible by practice and hard work.

On the other hand, God gifted talents are possible in singing only because a singer must have a sweet voice and it cannot be improved by practice. Moreover there is a need of a training to improve the control on voice and breath.

In nutshell, Inbuilt talent has very less effective than practice. Nobody is perfect in this world and to make them perfect training by experts can play a vital role to be a good sports man or a successful person in the world.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jul 22, 2013   #2
In my personal perspectiveview , I believe that Hard work,will and motivation isare a better way to be a good sports man or a musician

... this sentence has lots of grammar issues... Also, you are going slightly out of point. Your topic does not talk about will or motivation. It asks which is more important for certain professionals like musicians or sports personnel, is it inborn talent or the practice? Stay aligned with your topic always.

Also, include your prompt with the essay... then we exactly know what it expects and give you feedbacks accordingly.
OP talwinder 2 / 5 1  
Jul 22, 2013   #3
Thank you very much for the feedback but please assist me that how can I make it more impressive and how to choose good words and sentences.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jul 22, 2013   #4
Sure :)

First of all, hard work is athe key to hols success.

.... hols is a shorten form for holiday... but I'm sure you menat "whole". However, this line sounds better without it.
I also feel that you need to attend to your essay structure. Then you can work on vocabulary. First get your ideas presented clearly in a logical sequence.
OP talwinder 2 / 5 1  
Jul 24, 2013   #5
thanks Dumi for assistance
that means we need not explain both of the views according to your essay structure. Please tell me I am so confused regarding this.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jul 25, 2013   #6
If it's agree or disagree sort of topic then you don't have to unless you take a moderate stance. For example, if you agree wth the statement then give reasons as to why you agree. You don't have to talk about the other side. Read the essays I recommended for you. However, if you topic asks you yo discuss both views then you need to discuss both sides.
abderrahim - / 1  
Jul 25, 2013   #7
A good bid to get better. From mistakes one can learn and improve; just carry on


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