Shao, your opening paragraph is a run-on sentence. Kindly remember that all the paragraphs should have a minimum of 3 sentences in order to qualify for a proper C&C and GRA consideration. Any less than that and you will get a lower score consideration because of the lack of clarity and proper sentence structure in your presentation. Writing up to 5 sentences will allow you to reach the maximum scoring potential of each paragraph.
Your second paragraph is composed of under developed sentences, reasoning, and explanations. This has a direct effect again, on your GRA and C&C scoring. One topic per paragraph, properly explained with:
1. Topic sentence
2. Reasoning for the sentence
4. Relevance of the example with the topic
5. Transition sentence to the next paragraph topic
Due to the mixed discussions that you present in each paragraph, you fail to meet the above requirements that would normally help you to increase your C&C score. Speaking of the C&C score, your LR score will also see problems with scoring because of your improper vocabulary usage. One example of this error can be seen in the following sentence:
Firstly, if we decide not to pay taxes to enhance the intact of state schools
-What do you mean by "intact"? Did you mean to use the term "impact" instead?
Proof reading for clarity and scoring considerations towards the end of the exam time will always help increase your overall scoring. If you do not leave at least 5-10 minutes to review your work before submission, you leave these problems unattended without remembering that every mistake you make with your writing will have an impact on each scoring consideration. You could end up with an unexpected low score in the final scoring. Reviewing, editing, and revising your essay should become a standard part of your daily practice runs under a timed situation setting.