Hi, I'm Annantha Ayu. I come from Indonesia. I need your help to give some feedback on my writing.
Governance-financed schools - IELTS TASK 2
Families who do not send their children to government-financed schools should not be required to pay taxes that support universal education.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is true that the governance-financed schools should be not demanded the tax payment to parents who do not entrust their children to their schools. To some extent, I agree that people must be freed from the tax, however, I would also argue that they should extent some money for the tax payment.
There are several reasons why I believe that people who do not put their children to learning in the state education must be not obligated to pay taxes. Firstly, the government has a special budget for schooling such as purchasing the student textbooks, establishing the school facilities, and paying the teacher's salaries. Secondly, the government-owned company and the state-owned enterprises have sponsored the government-owned school in the provision of school improvements and necessity. In consequence,people who prefer sending their children in the other schools rather than in the state school could be not supposed to pay taxes.
By contrast, every citizen has the responsibility to pay out the tax fees for the country development. The obligation of paying tax provides the benefits for all society although some individuals decide to place their children to learn in the private school instead of the government-financed school. Moreover, the taxes helps the poor people to going to school without having to pay the tuition fees. Because the poor are exempt from the school's payment, the equal distribution of education will soon be realized for all people.
In conclusion, while parents should be freed from the tax charges because they do not put their children to study there, I agree that they must be paid the taxes as well.
Don't forget to give space after comma " In consequence, people "
Thank you so much for remind me. I will correct it later
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,753 3795
Annatha, your inability clearly express yourself in English is causing problems for you in the essay presentation. When it comes to your sentence structure and grammar usage, I would have to say that your work is tremendously bad. There is a lack of clarity in your explanations because it sounds like you were merely translating from your native tongue into English. A practice that led you to use English words on a piece-mill basis, which in turn, caused you to use English words that were not really applicable to the sentence and your thoughts, which resulted in unclear paragraph presentations and stressful reading references for the reader.
The problem is that you are focusing on impressing the reviewer with failed complex sentences. Your English vocabulary and writing abilities are not at the intermediate level yet. You are only at the improved beginners level. So you should not be trying to create these complex sentences using advanced English vocabulary and sentence structures yet. You should be practicing to write simple sentences using the task 2 prompts. If you can write clearly using simple sentences then you will find yourself slowly improving, without even trying, and writing complex sentences before you know it.
At this moment, this essay shows that you are making the effort to write complex sentences but have not achieved that objective. Due to that failure, the essay cannot be expected to receive a passing score. I hope that you will take my advice and show some improvement in your next practice essay.