Every young male or female should know more about
the parenting before having children
Don't use 'in addition" at the beginning of your 1st body para. by doing so, it seems like, your 1st para is not an intro rather another body para. It will be better if you use those linking words in second or third body para.
Every woman or men can be a father or mother but the problem is what kind of father or mother they will be .
use 'moreover', 'furthermore', 'in addition' instead of 'on one hand'. why do you go for jargon when you have better options with familiar words? May be you tried to make a contradiction between your 3rd and 4th para. however, using 'on one hand' and 'on the other hand' is not the only way to show contradiction.
Last but not least, revise at least once before posting your essay, i believe you can easily eliminate most of your silly mistakes. There are some problems of this kind in your third para.
wish you all the best on your ielts.. :)