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IELTS writing task 2 - teachers and parents education - which has more value to a child?


emem123 2 / 4  
Sep 26, 2017   #1
Question: Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society.Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Education on children



There are different views of the main responsibility of educating children to become a suitable member of the society. Some held that it's the parents' duty, while others argued that the school should educate children about the lesson. In this editorial, I'm aim to discuss the opposite views and to express my opinion based on my personal experience and knowledge.

Some people may think that home education is the first place where children form the concept of the society and learned how to be part of the it. Therefore, children should develop the knowledge from their parents. However, others may conceive that school is a perfect place to learn about the vital properties of being a socialized person, because educational institutions are a smaller version of the society.

In my opinion, teachers and parents should work together to teach children the issue. Since parents are the initial educator a child encountered, they should introduce the concepts of the society and the way to be a part of it. When children attend school, teachers should consolidate the concept and correct their behavior whenever they violate the rules in the society. When I was a child, I learned a lot of great characteristics, which is crucial to be a part of the society, from my parents, characteristics including kindness and integrity. On the other hand, my teachers and classmates taught me the lesson in a practical way. I learned how to be a team player and how to pay respect to others in school. Both parties influenced me deeply, and their education formed the one who I am.

To sum up, education of the next generation is the responsibility of the whole country rather than of an individual.

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Please give me advice about the structure of the passage and how can I improve to score high in the writing section. Thank you!!

Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Sep 26, 2017   #2
Lee, you accidentally created a redundant paraphrasing of the original prompt for discussion in the first and second paragraphs. This is something that you could have avoided if you had properly outlined the essay in the opening paragraph. The purpose of the first paragraph is to help you outline the discussion in the succeeding paragraphs so that you will be able to properly discuss and develop your essay discussion. The correct prompt paraphrase is as follows:

Some people that children can learn how to respectable members of society through the examples set by and lessons in respect that their parents provide. Others though, believe that lessons in respect and how to be good members of society is best taught in schools. This essay will present a discussion regarding each point of view prior to my presentation of my personal opinion regarding the topic.

Using the opening discussion to outline your discussion will help you accurately use the 3 body paragraphs in a method that will best allow you to highlight your ability to write in English. The format would then be:

1. Opening paraphrase
2. Point 1 with supporting explanations
3. Point 2 with supporting explanations
4. Personal point of view (always in support of point 2)
5. Concluding statement (summary of the previous discussion)

Based on the format above, you should notice that the discussion you created does not represent the required elements of the prompt requirement. That means, you did not properly discuss the prompt and its representing opinions. This could lead to a failing score in an actual test. Thankfully, you are still reviewing and practicing so you have time to correct these major errors on your part.
ayibram 6 / 16 2  
Sep 26, 2017   #3
@emem123
Mr Lee, I think in an academic essay, it's better to avoid contraction such as,

Some held that it's the parents' duty...
In this editorial, I'm aim to discuss ...

Also, you present good sentence as the compound and complex, such as, Some people may think (...) and learned how to be part of the it. yet you need to check the subject-verb agreement.
vipy411 3 / 3  
Sep 30, 2017   #4
being a socialized person, because educational ...
--> comma before because is incorrect. independent clause should be followed by dependent clause, without any comma, to form complex sentence.

Moreover whenever you are asked to discuss both the views then it is better to have following format: -

1. one paragraph for introduction + outline
2. one paragraph for 1st view: - topic sentence + supporting idea and/or example
3. one paragraph for 2nd view: - topic sentence + supporting idea and/or example
4. Your opinion
5. Conclusion
sfiza 17 / 28  
Oct 2, 2017   #5
@emem123
hello

your writing need some basic guidance because your are not flowing proper structure of essay writing.

you need flow ...

1) introduction must be paraphrase using different word and structure, at least three sentences.

2) main idea need to write in each paragraph. then it must be supported by relevant examples and supporting ideas.

3)second main idea need to write in each paragraph. then it must be supported by relevant examples and supporting ideas.

4) write a summary of your body part and your opinion in the conclusion .

keep in mind more reading bring idea about how write a essay.

keep writing :)
monopolymi 4 / 8  
Oct 3, 2017   #6
Hi, I think you should write down your opinion in the first paragraph. In the second and third paragraphs, it is important to describe your topic and support it(explain it and give an example).

If you didn't write your opinion clear in the first paragraph, reader would feel confused.


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