Teaching only academic subjects that will be useful for students' future careers

I want to rate my writing task 2. a lot.

the dilemma of subjects at schools

Some people say that schools should concentrate on teaching students academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers. Other people say that subjects such as music and sports are also necessary. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

People have different views about what subjects schools should focus on teaching for students. While some people believe that concentrating on major subjects for students would be useful for students' future careers, I believe that teaching other subjects such as music and sports is necessary for students.

There are compelling reasons why people think that schools should teach and focus on academic subjects which could be useful for student's future careers. Teaching major academic subjects will help students to have a good base of knowledge which might support them when they are going to higher education levels. For instance, if a person has a good math knowledge base at the high school level, he will find it easy to be receptive to advanced math at the university level. In addition, major academic subjects would create good logical thinking for students. For example, in some research, scientists found that students who study well in major subjects often have better logical thinking than their counterparts.

However, I believe that it is necessary when educational institutions should let their students study sub-subjects such as music and sports. Schools that teach sub-subjects such as music and sports might reduce the study pressure which might cause depression for their students. As a consequence, the minds of students will be relaxed after studying major subjects and the study performance of students might be better than before. Additionally, sub-subjects can be considered a good way to take scholarships from universities. I would take my cousin as an example, he won a scholarship to the music academy in Hamburg because of his music awards.

In conclusion, although some people believe that educational institutions should focus on major subjects to support students' future careers, I would also argue that sub-subjects such as music and sports are also necessary.

There are certain keywords that clue in a writer when it comes to the writing format. Where the phrases " some people" and " other people" are seen, these are representative of public ideas regarding the given topic. So the "discuss" part means the writer should explain what evidences these 2 general opinions are based on, within 2 seperate paragraphs. The writer's opinion must be presented in a manner evident of the public opinion analysis prior to his final opinion decision. This writing process cannot be seen in this presentation. Discussion shortcuts were taken which made the essay response lack in proper analytical consideration ppresentation. While the personal opinion is acceptable, it could have carried a more considerable scoring potential if the correct logical discussion format was followed.

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Is it good to use will instead would? I am confusing this in Task 2 IELTS writting Essay

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A common structure to follow is
- Introduction
- View 1 - advantages, examples, problems
- View 2 - advantages, examples, problems
- Author's opinion
- Conclusion