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Essays (IELTS Writing Task 2) about teaching arts in school

thaihung123 1 / 1  
Jun 30, 2020   #1

art-based subjects and academic performance

Topic: Some educationalists argue that non-exam, art-based subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Please give me some feedback. Thank you so much!!!

According to some education experts, art disciplines such as drawing, music or drama should be taught in secondary school. While this suggestion may be disadvantageous in several situations, these courses, in my opinion, can offer students a comprehensive development.

It is true that non-exam arts-based subjects have negative effects for certain reasons. Secondary pupils, especial those in the last grade, usually have to deal with heavy schedule of academic lessons so they do not have enough time for other art courses. For example, in Vietnam, ninth-grade students not only take two semester exams but also another competitive entry one to be entitled to their dream high school. It is also that there might be some individuals who always underestimate the value of arts and tend to keep them on the periphery, which can make these courses more low-quality.

Despite the mentioned above demerits, it is inevitable that art disciplines teach learners how to work as a team. A student who participates in a drama or a play has to co-operate with other members to build up a successful performance. This can improve their ability to handle different types of situations and conflicts among teammates, one of the essential skills for their future prospects.

Additionally, music, painting or handcraft can enhance students' creativity and imagination. Those are crucial for boosting an overall development as Albert Einstein used to say: "Imagination is more important than knowledge". Academic subjects may offer students a wide range of universal knowledge but arts, from my perspective, can stimulate pupils to discover themselves and new approaches to tackle a problem, and also help them relieve stress after solving difficult Math or Chemistry assignments.

In conclusion, while art-based subjects have some drawbacks, I believe that secondary students should be obliged to take part in these courses to enhance their soft skills and other aspects.

vuthuylinh2611 19 / 65 1  
Jun 30, 2020   #2
I have some comments as follow:
Firstly, I recommended that you state more clearly and straightforwardly whether you agree or disagree with the statement in your introduction. I understood that you imply that you agree but it wasn't clear in your essay.

Secondly, as you agree with the statement, I think you should state only your reason supporting that art subjects should be compulsory at school and develop your idea. It is not necessary to state its disadvantages.

Thirdly, I think you should be more careful with vocabulary. For example, you used the word 'inevitable' ,it means 'unavoidable' and I can't get what you meant by that. Some of your sentences have grammatical mistake such as this one: 'It is also that there might be some ... courses more low-quality ineffective.'

I hope these comments help you
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,816 2619  
Jun 30, 2020   #3
You have not given a direct response to the question provided in the original prompt. In fact, your response has created a prompt deviation that has changed the slant of the discussion instruction and as such, will cause a major points deduction for your task accuracy. The points deductions will be such that you will not be able to pass the test due to the change in discussion presentation.

Question: .To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: While this suggestion may be disadvantageous in several situations, these courses, in my opinion, can offer students a comprehensive development.

You have changed the discussion requirement from a single opinion defense essay to a comparative / advantage v disadvantage discussion. That runs counter to the discussion instruction. That will be the main reason why your essay will not be able to pass the test.

As your essay is judged mainly on the clarity of your opinion presentation and defense discussions, your presentation will be seen as not truly portraying a clear point of view. It will also not be seen as having a properly developed reasoning set of paragraphs. Due to the error in your discussion presentation, your work cannot achieve a passing score. You have failed in the major scoring elements, which, when added to the other errors in your presentation, will simply not allow you to achieve anything close to a 5 band score.
OP thaihung123 1 / 1  
Jun 30, 2020   #4
Thank you so much!

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