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Teaching discipline should be the responsibility of teachers, or it's parents duty?


jhhh11 14 / 30  
Jul 23, 2020   #1
Hi! This is my first attempt to write a 5-paragraph discussion essay. I wish to shorten it to 4 paragraphs if possible. Hope to see all comments!

A band score break down will be very helpful too!
Thank you!

TASK 2: Children's Discipline



TOPIC: Discipline is an ever-increasing problem in modern schools. Some people think that discipline should be the responsibility of teachers, while others think that this is the role of parents.

Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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WORD COUNT: 285.

In recent years, the issue of students having a lack of discipline is concerning. Hence, there has been a debate about whether who should be responsible for the practice of the children - parents or teachers. The truth is both parties can make contributions.

On the one hand, fathers and mothers should hold the highest accountability of their children in any case. When the young ones reach the age to attend school, parents can show the children disciplines by helping them to come to class on time, wearing appropriate uniforms, or bringing books and stationaries. It is also the responsibility of the parents to teach their children to a righteous way of socializing and acting accordingly, in this case, to their classmates and teachers.

On the other hand, on weekdays, children spend more active time at school than at home. Therefore, it can be argued that teachers supervise young ones longer than their parents do and can generate a greater impact on a child. Educators can measure the discipline to wider degrees based on direct observation and can make adjustments promptly. For instance, if one kid refuses to come back to class after break time, the teachers can correct this disorderly act.

From my perspective, the discipline of a child extends beyond a school's area and tightly related to home orders as well; his understanding can be very similar at both places. For the best interest of a child, both the parents and teachers should cooperate well.

To conclude, the adults should provide support in their ways to correctly shape the young ones' discipline. I think that parents have the highest obligations to their children, whereas, educators have no less duty to tutor the future generation to good practice.

Linhcute - / 1  
Jul 23, 2020   #2
you can change from " to conclude" to " by way of conclusion". i think it is more advanced than your word.
ITW 2 / 6  
Jul 26, 2020   #3
The second sentence of the opening paragraphs seems gramatically incorrect. It could have been " Hence, there has been a debate on whether the parents or the teachers are responsible for making children diciplined.
keithkwan14 3 / 5 1  
Jul 26, 2020   #4
The last 2 paragraphs seem duplicated and a bit contradicting to each other. The 2nd last paragraph claims it's a jointed effort of parents/teachers while the last paragraph states "parents have the highest obligations". I find it quite confusing to understand the overall standpoint of your whole essay.

Suggest you can combine the last 2 paragraphs to make it a 4-paragraph essay, by simplifying the conclusion by stating the major reasons of why it takes both parents/teachers to shape the youngsters discipline
Tracy Tram 2 / 6  
Jul 28, 2020   #5
you have a spelling error, stationaries-> stationeries.
faizunaa 1 / 1  
Jul 28, 2020   #6
Its a good writing overall, I don't find any grammar mistakes. However, you may consider to replace these word in order to reach higher band score as this word can be classified as C-level

1. to widerdegrees based >>> to more comprehensive [C1 words]
2. a greater impact >>> a more significant [B2 words]

I do agree also to use 4 paragraphs rather than five. The fourth paragraph seems categorized as a thesis statement, thus, it can probably moved after the introduction to show your position regarding this issue.

Good Luck.
dinhquynhmai 3 / 5 4  
Jul 28, 2020   #7
Hi. In my opinion, you should eliminate the last paragraph. The 4th paragraph is more suitable to become the conclusion than the 5th. Additionally, the ideas in the 2nd paragraph should be changed in to some activities which relate to "family" such as household chores.


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