stimulating brain and controlling kids emotion
Nowadays, parents often let their children play a lot with computers and tablets in order to improve their technological skills.
Do the advantages of the use of this devices from an early age outweight the disadvantages?
Technological advance influences many parts of human life. Nowadays, computers and gadgets are a common thing used by children. As such, parents tend to let them to use it. Hence, I personally believe that though there is dismerits of using it but the advantages will be predominant gotten by them because of spesific reasons.
To develop brain is one of reasons why it is good thing for children to play it because when these kids explore about that media with internet access. They tend to be curious to know more regarding what they did not know before. Taking playing game as an example, counterstrike, one of a war game provides some levels which can be reached by a player. furthermore this is able to stimulate them to reach sophisticated strategy when they lose with collecting an equipment war . keeping main purpuse is how to win this game. Owing to this, they do not be easier to give up.
In addition, another positive impact is controlling emotional skill. By intensity of gadget usage, children will relieze when they should stop and undertake it by schedule given by their parents. More and more a lot of parents teach them by giving a freedom act. By result in this case kids learn how to be responsible on its usage. On the other hand, this technological product causes children to be addicted. For instance, when they rely on gadget, they tnd to be lazy doing some substansial activity such as preparing homework of their subject's school.
The aforementiones reasons, although addicting tablets and computers will be obtained by children but the good impact are predominant for their development such as stimulating brain and controlling their emotion
You focus on 'brain stimulation' - that's fine, but I think there are studies showing that too much brain stimulation among children causes insomnia and other psychological/behavioral issues. That's why, any benefits of using such technological devices by children are dwarfed by the possible negative effects.
Hi ..despite addressing much more benefits of playing game than its drawbacks indicating that your claim is acceptable, without deeper analysis may lead the reader to be confused with this essay. This is because the reader can argue the demerits is more predominant in spite of its less case number. Therefore, explaining the reason why both of them are either strong or weak is supposed to do in this essay.
In addition, let me give you some corrections related to your grammatical error and word choices
Technological advance= THE DEVELOPMENT OF TECHNOLOGY
common THING = TECHNOLOGICAL APPLIANCES used by children.
....... for children to play it . ( STOP HERE) THIS IS because when these (...) internet access, (WRITE COMMA HERE) they tend (...) know more
regarding what they did ...
playing game ,counterstrike, one of (...) by a player AS AN EXAMPLE, THEN WHAT???.
... to stimulate them to
reach CREATE sophisticated A GREAT strategy when they lose (with collecting an equipment war) . keeping main purpOUse is how to win this game. (I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WITH THIS SENTENCE) Owing to this, they ...
... given by their parents. IN ADDITION, AS More
and more a lot of parents teach them by giving a freedom act, By result in this case kids learn how to ...
Hi there...., please let me give you some valuable feedback on your impressive performance.
- Technological advance influences many parts of human life ----> This hook is too commonly used and sounds too vague. If you want to state a hook, then you'd better align it with the micro keywords on your essays.
- Nowadays,---> as long as you deal with the present time, or the discussion in comparison to the past, then it is always good to omit this phrase as more students use such a word in their opening statement, and therefore this can be categorized as one of the memorized phrases.
- Hence, I personally believe that though there is dismerits of using it but the advantages will be predominant gotten by them because of spesific reasons. ----> This sentence achieves little impact on your thesis statement. I say this since most students working with IELTS writing task 2 are thoroughly taught to use this. This results in them relying too much on such a sentence as they cannot even create their own sentences unless the memorized one, like you did. .
The head where the brain is located is the only part of the body that encompasses the organs of all five senses. Although other parts of the body are important, they all are be useless without a functioning brain. This seems like your composition in IELTS writing task 2. If you are struggling badly through how to develop a strong, clear, succinct thesis statement, then this significantly affects the following paragraphs. What stands out from the introduction will be taken into account by examiners.
Please rewrite your first paragraph. Once it is done, post it here then I'll scrutinize other parts of this essay.
Hope this helps :D
is able to stimulate them - this can stimulate them
do not be easier to give up - they won't easily give up