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Toefl writing: technology has apparently assisted our kids to become more creative


Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


The technology in the service for children.



Technology plays an important part in the development of modern society, but someone argue that technology destroys the creativity ability of children. However, I disagree. And on the opposite, technology has apparently assisted our kids to become more creative.

First, the computer technology offer a fictitious world to children which could make their fantastic dream come true. For example, the game mine craft, by collecting the building block, you can build the world in your mind. The city on the sky, under the water or on the moon are all able to be build in the game. I once met someone built the destroyed Chinese imperial garden--old summer palace on mine craft. With the development of the technology, 3Dmax would absolutely provide our children an effective tool for realizing their creativity by building the world in their imagination.

Second, the internet technology give children a great chance to get they need to enhance while realize their imagine. Never should children be prohibited to get to the internet. They should be taught to use the computer in the right way, such as gain academic database ,read classical works, or watch historic documents. Taking my brother as an example, he wanted to build an aircraft model, but had no idea about using what kind of material is good for flight, so he searched it on the internet. Not only did he find the proper material but also some knowledge about how the shape of the model influence the airflow. Finally, he build a cool but strange aircraft, however, it can fly in good condition. He is very proud of the aircraft model he designed. Without the technology we can't get the knowledge so convenient on the internet to make our design come true successfully.

Admittedly, it is unable to deny that the technology might make children become lazier and be comfortable with what is already available because everything are so convenient nowadays and there seems to be no way to improve them. Thus, it is always necessary to keep children's mind active in the marvelous world of technology. By inspiring their spirits of exploration, technology will play an important part in the improvement of creativity.

To sum up, I still regard children as becoming increasingly creative in the technology development, although it might bring minor side effects. As long as we keep a balanced mood on children enjoying the fruit of technology can we increase the creativity of children.

(QAQ I'm not native speaker and neither do I good at English, but I want to improve my skills. Thank you very much of your comments.)

Hi there,

First of all, your essay is quite good for a Toelf piece of writing. I'm sure that you will receive a decent score if you wrote this in the designated time frame.

Second of all, your structure is good although you should avoid using the transitions words like first, second, etc. (notice that I just used that and my comments sounds quite disruptive.) I'm sure you know about the paragraph structure: the first (or second) sentence of each paragraph should summarize the paragraph's ideas. After that, you can lay two or three supporting sentences then a concluding sentence. I saw that you already done that quite well in the first body paragraph. However, your topic sentence of the second paragraph is quite vague. I'm not sure what you mean so perhaps try to avoid words that you are not familiar. I would suggest something like this "Second, the Internet is a convenient tool for children to search for new information."

There are a few other minor errors, mostly preposition errors. For instances, in the sentence "For example, the game mine craft, by collecting the building block, you can build the world in your mind. ", you should add "For example, [in] the game mine craft, by collecting the building block, you can build the world in your mind. " or better to move the in the game mine craft phrase to the end. I would suggest you read more article or books online then your sentences will sound more natural and you will use correct prepositions.

Try to avoid lengthy sentences as you may create run-on sentences. It would be best to stick to the Subject + Verb + Object structure. Long sentences also are difficult to read and understand. As an example, "Admittedly, it is unable to deny that the technology might make children become lazier and be comfortable with what is already available because everything are so convenient nowadays and there seems to be no way to improve them." should be broken to two sentences like "Admittedly, technology might make children become lazy and content. Everything is so convenient and there seems to be no improvement possible." still kinda run-on but you know what I meant.

Regardless, your essay is easy to read. Keep it up.

TN.
Hello Olivia Yang, I will give you several suggestions

1. Since this opinion essay, I think you'd better to use as many as adjectives/adverbs to emphasise your opinion or your explanation. Take examples from that :

However, I disagree

---> You can put I "totally/significantly/ultimately" disagree if you are 100% disagree
----> You also can put I "tend to/apparently/have tendency to/" disagree, if you still fifty-fifty.

2. Since this is academic style, avoid to use "And/But" in the beginning of the sentence.

And on the opposite, technology has ...

3. Your topic sentence in the second sections, seems not too simple. In my view, you must simplify it to make it to be more easy to understand

In general, your essay is already easy to follow. But, you should put more phrasal verbs and less uncommon verbs to boost your score.

Good Luck !


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