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IELTS Writing- technology leads to dying out of traditional skills and ways of life


extrafresh 13 / 32  
May 12, 2011   #1
Can anyone help me check the writing. Great thanks in advance

Topic:
when a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out.it's pointless to try and keep them alive.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Recently there is an opinion, as the country's policy encourages technology development, it is unavoidable that the traditional skills and the ways of life will become dying out. I myself agree with it partially.

There have a variety of causes about such extinction. Firstly it begin with a lack of confidence.
Traditional craftes was often associated with hand-made process,so people tend to label the final product with out-fashioned, time-consuming as well as low-quality. Secondly, the prevalence of new technology interrupts traditional method of communication such as face-to-face meeting and offers more new options for people to get in touch with family members and friends. Individuals would rather contact with their friends by texting message via cellphone than meet up with each other frequently.

On the other hand, it is said that excessive adoption of technology should be blamed for changing the way to live with. For example, people used to live in the city center now are forced to move to the suburb due to mass contruction of skyscraper and flyover. In addition, there is huge ignorance towards inheritage of traditions among young people, who strongly appreciate convenience and efficiency brought from contemporary technologies. In this case the younger generation might not want to be induced into the old traditions.

Based on my own knowledge, current technology has its origin of the past and majority of modern technology is simply a modification based on traditiona remains. But the invention of Ipad and E-book should not replace the enjoyment from traditional entertainmnet such as ink painting, paper-cutting, knit-making and sewing, as our parents used to do. Hence, we should not pay at a high price for the loss of origin identity about the society.

In conclusion, the coexitence of traditional skill and advanced technology has a double-edged sword effect. It would suggested that some relevant measures would be made by the government to diminish the abuse of technology application and also encourage younger generation to learn about traditional skills so that to make contribution to life of the whole society.
isai 12 / 111  
May 12, 2011   #2
Greetings !

The essay displays an excellent understanding of the subject matter and is well organised. The arguments are clearly constructed and supported. There may be evidence of outside reading.
mithsal 3 / 4  
May 13, 2011   #3
Hello!! its a great piece of writing. no repitations, good use of vocab and argumentations.
keep it up:)
Frank zhao 5 / 10  
May 14, 2011   #4
Perhaps, the structure of the essay would be more clear. For example the links:Firstly...Secondly...On the other hand... In addition.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 14, 2011   #5
Hey, I like that intro, even though it is a little confusing. I'll try to change it in a way that I like, and if you like my suggestion you can use it:

Recently there is an opinion, as the country's policy encourages technology development, that unavoidably the traditional skills and the ways of life will start dying out as a result. I myself agree with it partially. (Add a sentence right here at the end of the first paragraph; can you make it a sentence that sums up the whole message of the essay?)

There have a A variety of factors can cause such extinction. Firstly it begins with a lack of confidence.----Interesting!

Secondly, the prevalence of new technology interrupts traditional methods of communication, such as face-to-face meeting, and offers more new options for people to get in touch with family members and friends.-----I think you did a GREAT job with this sentence. I just made a small change and added some commas.

Individuals would rather contact with their friends by texting messages via cellphone than meet up with each other frequently personally.

In conclusion, the coexitence of traditional skills and advanced technology has a double-edged sword effect. ---Impressive!! Keep practicing. You must be a talented writer...
OP extrafresh 13 / 32  
May 24, 2011   #6
Hi Kevin,

Sorry for being late to reply. I had encountered some problems with posting my message in the past few days.

I'm really flattered by your words. I like the way that you changed it the first paragraph. I made some add-ups as per your 'request'.

Recently there is an opinion, as the country's policy encourages technology development, unavoidably that the traditional skills and the ways of life will become dying out. Instead, the more popular new technologies are becoming, the more flowers and applauses its manufacturers and founders are receiving from the public. I myself agree with it partially as there is a certain amount of truth in this.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 26, 2011   #7
Recently there is an opinion that, as the country's policy encourages technology development, unavoidably the traditional skills and the ways of life will begin dying out. Instead of celebrating traditional skills, the public is giving its applause to the more popular new technologies. are becoming, the more flowers and applauses its manufacturers and founders are receiving from the public . I myself agree with it partially as there is a certain amount of truth in this.

Okay, it was nto bad, but I made a small change. Try to learn from the changes. The SUBJECT of the sentence does the action, so... "Instead of celebrating traditional skills, the public (i.e. does something.) I hope that is not confusing!

Also, never write "I myself." Just write "I..."
:-)
OP extrafresh 13 / 32  
May 31, 2011   #8
Instead of celebrating traditional skills, the public is giving its applause to the more popular new technologies.

I'm giving my applause to your words, Kevin. :) This is the message what I wanted to deliver.
I noted it down: instead of doing something, the subject is/are doing something.

Cheers
dhammika1973 8 / 18  
May 31, 2011   #9
Based on my own knowledge, current technology has its origin of the past and majority of modern technology is simply a modification based on traditional remains. But, the invention of Ii pad and E-book should not replace the enjoyment from traditional entertainmnet such as ink painting, paper-cutting, knit-making and sewing, as our parents used to do. Hence, we should not pay at a high price for the loss of origin identity about the society.
lastielts 3 / 7  
Jun 1, 2011   #10
Hi,

Well written essay.Got some ideas from your essay as well.

Best of luck,
Vinu.


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